Every year, near my birthday I always like to think about what I had gained or lost in the previous year. I do this in an attempt to make sense of my life and see if I actually manage to accomplish something worthwhile by my standards. The answer to which always was no, if you’re wondering. It’s not like I am thankless for all the happiness I have gotten in my life, it’s just that to me my screw ups always seem to outnumber my gains.
This year was different however, this year I felt a certain tinge of happiness that I had never deemed myself worthy of. It was a feeling that I couldn’t really explain well but for some reason, for the first time in my life I felt a bit satisfied, a bit giddy even. So what was it that made me feel this way? At first I thought it was the feeling of triumph as I had finally managed to pass all my written courses and only had to complete my research work to get my degree but I quickly realized the nonsensical nature of that idea as I was still behind my set timeline. And that was when it hit me, it was the realization of finally having someone in my life who not only bared my asinine, self centered behavior but somehow always made me strive to be a better version of myself. Someone who actually made me get up and work; a feat that is not as easy as you might imagine it to be as my friends will testify.
For the first time in my life, I feel a certain calm, something which always eluded me. To think, it only took me 26 years to realize my mistakes and finally chase after something that was worth going after. By no means has that chase ended and I don’t imagine it will ever do as to me she is the ideal person I want to appease, which as you can very well imagine is never an easy task; specially if you consider the fact that I manage to screw things up on a daily basis. However, she always perseveres, always managing to find it in herself to give me another chance. I would like to say that I make up for my mistakes but that would be a blatant lie as I often fall short of her expectations time and time again. I know, this doesn’t make me sound like the perfect candidate to be her suitor and I believe I am not, which is why each morning when I wakeup I thank all deities in existence to be so lucky as to be with her. If I were to never have another stroke of good luck in my life again, I would accept it gladly as I believe if she can be interested in someone like me, despite my shortcomings and actually put in the effort to make me a better person, I have used up my share of luck and I don’t need any “luck” anymore.
All I know is that I fancy her like no other, I love her to an extreme which often surprises me as well. Now, I can be dramatic here and say if she leaves me I will die but that’s far from it. You see life continues, I will be nothing more than a hallowed out existence of my former self but I would always find some happiness in the brief moment I actually had with her, the jokes we shared and the progress we made. I really do hope you understand what I am saying without having to roll your eyes and utter, “How corny can this be”, not for mine but for your sake…
If she ever reads this, I want her to know: I love you and even though I hate not having a character to hide behind in a public space, I would hate displeasing you more as I know you don’t like stories with hidden messages. I know I lack most concepts you look for in a romantic relationship but I keep working on them and I just want to get them down right because you are worth it and even though my actions sometimes may contradict that statement but you are worth infinitely more than what I or anyone else can ever tell you to be. I just want you to be happy and hope I can provide you with everything you ever desire.