2017 and I

Posted in Uncategorized on December 29, 2017 by Dev!l

It has been such a long time since I last wrote something to let my inner anguish out, to give the inner me a voice. No, I have not turned into some edgy teen who is blogging in 2017 while sipping coffee in a starbucks, rather I just want to let a few things out.

It’s rather funny how what was once a hobby, an escape of mine has faded from my life. Guess I had found the one person in my life who was able to make all the voices in my head go quiet for once. I know, I have used the past tense, because as all good things in my life, I managed to screw things up. I can sit here and spend days dissecting every wrong move I or the people around me made which led to this point but at the end of the day, none of that really matters. The only thing that does matter is that the voices in my head are back. I would be lying if I were to say that they weren’t missed but that’s the terrible truth about peace, once you get a taste of it, you get addicted. Even though, those voices made me who I am and defined me, I would gladly trade them away in a heartbeat for a taste of that nirvana I once had.

Before you get curious, no I haven’t had the time to paint my nails black, even though I must admit I am giving vent to what is inside my head at 5 in the morning while sitting in the dark. But hey, that doesn’t really mean anything. Do I feel sad? Yes, but isn’t that human nature? To mourn a loss of something that was dear to you? Like all things in life, these feelings will too pass and hopefully make me a better person in the process. If not, well at least I can get a few laughs by being cynical for my entire life, not that I was ever a ray of sunshine to begin with.

You know, that being said, I did get to learn a lot. I did get to learn that I have an astonishingly amazing life ahead of me as a hip and happening physicist as well as I may be suffering from Deer Fever, AIDs or Menopause, thanks WebMD and Google. Jokes and sarcasm aside, I have learned who I am as a person an what are my faults. I do try to work on them actively but there are some rare times, mostly from Mondays 00:01 to Sundays 23:58, when the lazy me wins and I just lie in my bed staring at a computer screen. Which in my defense, does have some of the best comedies running on it.

I know, it all sounds very bleak and sad but it’s rather fun to be alone in a sea of people in some ways and be low key mad at everyone for doing the slightest of things that annoys you, for example breathing or having self importance. I mean, sure I can technically build sort of a death ray if I put my mind to it but honestly I just lack the funds. Also, as I have found out from first hand experience, building unheard of things in a scientific way requires a lot of patience, trial and error, money, and hard work. So, I think I would rather just watch rerun of Friends or Scrubs or something of the sort. Besides, knowing me, I would rather write a 1000 word essay on things no one cares about or would ever read than to finish writing my thesis. Which in turn is a good indication that the documentation for the whole project would be a pain in the ass. Also, I would have to interact with actual people in order to get my death ray off of the ground, which in retrospect would defeat the whole purpose.

Now that I have re-read everything I have just jotted down, it doesn’t really make much sense. It rather seems like a bleak cry for attention rather than the ramblings of someone looking to give himself a voice. Trust me, it’s the latter and before anyone gets concerned no, you can not refer to me as Edgelord Extraordinaire, as awesome as it may sound. Everyone just deals with things in their own way, and my way apparently, is just being an ass about it, as always.

I guess in the end I should technically do an year end review as well since it is the end of the year 2017… Well, this year I went back to Pakistan, fell deeper in love, saw my relationship blow up into smithereens (Wile E. Coyote style), broke fingers in both of my hands simultaneously while getting a small scar over my eyebrow (unfortunately, no cool story to pick up chicks there), met the person I loved, learnt that I am some sort of a heartless robot who can’t console anyone over their loss, knew what it meant to be broke as a joke, visited some more parts of Germany and Barcelona, cut out a few toxic people out of my life, and finally come to terms with my comical social anxiety and anti-social behavior. Oh I also apparently packed a few more pounds than I care to admit and am near the end of my Masters, which in turn will open another chapter in my life. Guess that is all I did that was of importance this year… Now that I think about it, it really wasn’t that great of a year for me mentally, physically or emotionally but to blame it on some arbitrary time the Earth takes to revolves around the Sun would be stupid… In the end, everything went to shit due to Trump or myself, can’t really figure out which yet…

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My Year…

Posted in Uncategorized on February 26, 2017 by Dev!l

Every year, near my birthday I always like to think about what I had gained or lost in the previous year. I do this in an attempt to make sense of my life and see if I actually manage to accomplish something worthwhile by my standards. The answer to which always was no, if you’re wondering. It’s not like I am thankless for all the happiness I have gotten in my life, it’s just that to me my screw ups always seem to outnumber my gains.

This year was different however, this year I felt a certain tinge of happiness that I had never deemed myself worthy of. It was a feeling that I couldn’t really explain well but for some reason, for the first time in my life I felt a bit satisfied, a bit giddy even. So what was it that made me feel this way? At first I thought it was the feeling of triumph as I had finally managed to pass all my written courses and only had to complete my research work to get my degree but I quickly realized the nonsensical nature of that idea as I was still behind my set timeline. And that was when it hit me, it was the realization of finally having someone in my life who not only bared my asinine, self centered behavior but somehow always made me strive to be a better version of myself. Someone who actually made me get up and work; a feat that is not as easy as you might imagine it to be as my friends will testify.

For the first time in my life, I feel a certain calm, something which always eluded me. To think, it only took me 26 years to realize my mistakes and finally chase after something that was worth going after. By no means has that chase ended and I don’t imagine it will ever do as to me she is the ideal person I want to appease, which as you can very well imagine is never an easy task; specially if you consider the fact that I manage to screw things up on a daily basis. However, she always perseveres, always managing to find it in herself to give me another chance. I would like to say that I make up for my mistakes but that would be a blatant lie as I often fall short of her expectations time and time again. I know, this doesn’t make me sound like the perfect candidate to be her suitor and I believe I am not, which is why each morning when I wakeup I thank all deities in existence to be so lucky as to be with her. If I were to never have another stroke of good luck in my life again, I would accept it gladly as I believe if she can be interested in someone like me, despite my shortcomings and actually put in the effort to make me a better person, I have used up my share of luck and I don’t need any “luck” anymore.

All I know is that I fancy her like no other, I love her to an extreme which often surprises me as well. Now, I can be dramatic here and say if she leaves me I will die but that’s far from it. You see life continues, I will be nothing more than a hallowed out existence of my former self but I would always find some happiness in the brief moment I actually had with her, the jokes we shared and the progress we made. I really do hope you understand what I am saying without having to roll your eyes and utter, “How corny can this be”, not for mine but for your sake…

If she ever reads this, I want her to know: I love you and even though I hate not having a character to hide behind in a public space, I would hate displeasing you more as I know you don’t like stories with hidden messages. I know I lack most concepts you look for in a romantic relationship but I keep working on them and I just want to get them down right because you are worth it and even though my actions sometimes may contradict that statement but you are worth infinitely more than what I or anyone else can ever tell you to be. I just want you to be happy and hope I can provide you with everything you ever desire.

Silence

Posted in Stories. on January 4, 2016 by Dev!l

Everything went quiet, all the voices, all the random thoughts, everything just went away. He could finally hear the silent ticking of his wrist watch, far in a distant drawer. He could finally feel what peace sounded like; there was no turmoil, no thoughts, and no anguish left on his mind. After a decade of unrest, the voices in his head had finally went quiet. For someone who got paid to think, there was no one else in the world who valued silence more than him. Alas, it was something that always eluded him till this moment in time.

There she was, in her picturesque self, the muse he always dreamt about, the Lisa to his Da’Vinci, the Bell to his Doyle, or more aptly put: the essence of his happiness. He reached out and very gently held her in his arms and for that instant in time he knew what true nirvana felt like. There was no angel whose touch would had have been more welcomed than hers at that instant in time. There was nowhere he would have rather been but that place in time, frozen for all eternity. “It’s been a long day” he finally managed to utter a coherent sentence.

“hmm”, she smiled. Her lips moved on to continue speaking but to him it was all incoherent. He was too lost in the innocence of her smile and the allure of her beauty to really care. Even though he couldn’t understand a word, he smiled back and nodded along as the sound of her voice vanquished all his demons. The cynic in him had died away and all he could see was how her hair had fallen on her face as she moved her peachy, full lips to ask him a question. At least, he thought it was a question as she had gone quiet and was now staring at him with her deep dark brown eyes, which held an intrigue and mystery he never could solve, blinking them ever so softly after a few seconds.

“Huh? What did you say?”

“I asked, how are you!” She repeated the question, clearly a bit annoyed. He gave a muffled laugh as he just loved how her cheeks went red and started to puff up when she got annoyed. “I’m great…” He replied.

Perhaps she wanted him to continue the conversation but he just didn’t feel like it. He simply stared into her eyes and asked, “you going to sleep?”

“hmm..” she said as she closed her eyes knowing that he didn’t feel like talking much. He often went into these non talkative phases to which she had gotten used to over the years.

He very slowly pushed her hair away from her face and watched her as she dozed off to sleep. He wanted to time it just right… Just at the moment when she finally gave into the whims of sandman, he pulled her closer and whispered in her ear, “you make everything quiet…”

He wanted to confirm if she had heard him or not but the slight smile that came on her face as he muttered those words into her sweet ear, gave him all the information he needed.

The Life of an Addict

Posted in Uncategorized on January 3, 2016 by Dev!l

He quietly sat in the dark, at long last free from the frivolities of the day. There wasn’t a soul that was awake at this ungodly hour and you could almost hear the calm, chilled fog setting outside. Finally he was free to get the fix he had been craving all day, he hated being sober but he had no other choice. It was time for him to let go of the worries of his wretched existence and dive into a realm whose existence was only understood and appreciated by drug addicts and people who were dubbed insane by society. Funnily enough, he was a combination of both as his hallucinogenic of choice was rather unconventional and his method of overdosing was somewhat unorthodox.

As soon as the light from the hallucinogenic of his choice hit his face, his grim, serious look was immediately replaced by a smile. Funny inventions, these smart phones; for some they provided a way of communication, for others a way of entertainment. Yet, for him, his particular phone contained the drug he sought. It was riddled with pictures of her… The smile on his face slowly broadened as he slowly swiped past her past pictures, and tried to remember the smallest of details of the conversation they had when the photographs were exchanged. As the gallery was about to come to an end, he sighed exhaustingly, infuriated with himself. He hated how in the hustle of life, he always forgot to tell her how beautiful she truly was. He just loathed how he was often so preoccupied with the thought of “acting sober” that it led him to not appreciate what, in his view, was one of the Lord’s best handiworks. Oh how he regretted being away from her on these nights. He missed everything about her from the sound of sweet voice to her silly habits to her mischievous smile, he missed it all gravely.

Alas, like all good things, his train of thought was interrupted by the distant clock tower ringing its bells. He took a deep breath as he knew tomorrow was going to be another long day and he needed every bit of energy he could muster to cope with it. He took a long glance at her last, and quite possibly his favorite picture of her as he knew it was time for the last inhale of his cigarette, the last bite of the tastiest of delicacies, or more aptly put, the last sweet shot of cocaine before he fell into a deep slumber for the night. Another 18 hours were left before he could sit back and enjoy the drug of his choice again… There was nothing he wanted more in this world but he knew no one would ever understand an emotion so raw, at least no one sober or in the right state of mind. Perhaps, in a way not even those who divulged into narcotics could understand his addiction for he was different from them too. For you see, unlike them, he did care about the life he was building, he did care about his health, he cared a lot because he wanted to live… he wanted to live just to be able to see her face once again.

An Ode to a Singularity

Posted in Uncategorized on December 24, 2015 by Dev!l

Author’s Note: If the Physics of this sound a bit sketchy to you, trust me it might very well be as these are far more complex things than what I can ever comprehend.

Dear Singularity,

It’s strange, you’re something people dedicate their lives to yet when asked to explain simply stutter away. I never understood that but now that I have met you, I find it hard to define it as well. How can I explain something so ambigious as a singularity? Something so complex, mysterious and baffling that it can drive any man insane. I guess I can’t but I am in a better position to state what you mean to me.

You are the unified field which gives my existence its meaning. The force I feel for you is undoubtedly the fundamental force we have marred eras searching for. To exist in your frame of reference is my dream as no matter how I put it, time always seems to come to a stand still when I am around you. You are the singular observer who has violated Schrodinger’s Cat paradox as no matter when you observe, my states always collapse to one of excitement and bliss.

I know that what I feel may very well be an anomaly that might not hold true for all but I know for a fact that you deserve a love as strong as a black hole. A love as strong as the forces that bind two quarks together inside a hadron. A love that would make you feel like you are the singularity upon which reasons of men fall.

I want to show you that you are the singularity I have searched for and though you may very well obliterate my existence, I don’t care as I will experience a moment of infinity with you. I want to be sucked into the ever consuming event horizon and hope to quench your thirst and radiate energy which will be studied till the end of time. This may sound silly to you, I know but in the end I just want jump in blind, to what may be my own destruction, and give my everything to you. And even though I may not survive, know this that my final moments will be spent with a smile on my face, a smile which would scream of my callous attitude towards what may come after the event horizon.

Regards,

A Mad Scientist

Being an Alien in a Small City

Posted in Uncategorized on November 20, 2014 by Dev!l

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that whenever teachers wanted to teach a foreign language to an alien, they used to send him to a small village where he/she had no choice but to pick up the said language. At least that is what he used to tell me whenever I used to ask him how he came to learn Sindhi. I always used to wonder what it would have felt like to learn something this way; by diving into the deep end of the pool. I mean I’m someone who has always took the safe approach to things, perhaps that’s why I never bothered jumping in the deep end of the pool even after my swimming instructor explicitly asked me to do so, just so I would learn to keep afloat on top of water. Well, ten years have passed since then and now I finally know how it would have felt like if I would had indeed jumped in the deep side of the pool.

It’s been almost a month now and apart from learning a few food names, some pleasantries and the phrase: “Please, can you speak English?” I don’t know a single word of German. For those of you who don’t know, I live in a small city (well to be more precise somewhat of a modernized village, in my view) and people here mostly get by without bothering to learn or speak an ounce of English. Of course, the younger generation does speak English quite well thanks to modern advances in the field of internet but hey, there are always easier ways to be officially charged as a pervert/pedophile.

Now, don’t take any wrong meanings, people in big cities tend to speak English as fluently as Eminem high on caffeine but that’s about it. If you’re anywhere else, you would have a better time finding someone who knows Klingon than of locating someone who would understand a single phrase being uttered from your mouth.

The only bright side is that at least my professors have the courtesy of staying true to the advertisement in the brochures as they teach in fluent English. Which to be honest is quite a surprise considering that the official mode of teaching at many institutions back in Pakistan is English but that’s as funny as a joke containing a priest, a rabi and a mulla walking into a bar naked.

Now, I know that one can learn swimming by jumping in the deep end of the pool but there’s a reason why this method is usually not recommended! The reason being that in the worst case scenario you would end up drowning or worse: pronouncing words like RatHaus (rat house) and Deutsche (Douche) like they would sound in English in front of a German.

Of course, living in a small city does have its advantages such as being able to recognize people by their bus stops or the ability to traverse the entire city boarder on foot within an hour or two but that’s about it.

Since this is a small city, there is not much diversification to speak of. The times when I really feel like seeing something of mixed color, I just make my way down to the local supermarket and stare down the chocolate aisle where the dark chocolates are placed next to the brown and white ones since I know that this is as close to diversification as I’m going to come. However, every now and then, I do tend to meet an occasional dreamer out chasing a unicorn but hey, I have too much dignity to stoop that low.

All in all, it’s not really that bad but then again I would really have had preferred moving to a country whose language I was able to speak. But you know what they say, “Beggars can’t be choosers” and in my case that certainly holds up.

The Randomness Blabbering Continues

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2014 by Dev!l

Life here is somewhat strange. It’s not that the feeling of being alone haunts my very existence, au contraire it’s the feeling of being alienated that’s making me feel bewildered beyond my comfort zone. You have to understand that I have had always took pride in being able to vanish into a sea of people almost seamlessly but here that’s not really possible as I stick out like a wolf in a herd of sheep. No more can I just sit and observe while being invisible. In fact this time around I find myself the subject of scrutinous looks and glares.

That being said, somethings however still haven’t changed as I still find that my behavior is “internationally” considered as eccentric and somewhat of a muse to the people around me. For example just the other day I found myself interacting with a group of girls that I had never had met or for that matter never will meet again in a particularly weird way. Apparently I was just sitting there and laughing at them while they just looked at my friend and me and did the same. The fact that my friend kept calling me nuts didn’t really help the matter. Or the instance when I found myself just jumping and waving goodbye to a stranger in a moving train as he waved back with equal vigor. This really went to show me that no matter who we are, or where we come from, we nonetheless are the same in more ways than we care to admit. Though we still can’t ignore the role that race, creed and our social upbringing plays in making us all but forget that at the end of the day we are nothing but humans.

For me life has just begun but I can’t help but to reflect back and wonder how each wrong turn, each mistake, each major incident in my life has made me who I am. That being said, I still can’t help but feel ripped off as I still have to meet someone who felt a certain elation when given the chance to chase their dreams. Instead, all I have met with are people who still are scared of what they will do when their dreams come crashing down. To be honest, I’m no different from them but I guess that’s where I can take the easy way out and opt out of delineating my express feelings.