Man versus wild versus MUK! (Revised Edition)

Writer’s Note: The characters in this story are totally real. The story well may be a little exaggerated and recorded through a paranoid person’s point of view. 😛

Now, as many of you already know that MUK stands for our beloved… Mr. Muhammed Usman Khan but who is wild? Well wild in this story is Mr. Mohsin Hameed… Oh and if you haven’t guessed it, the man in the title is me (Damn your slow upstairs).

Now that the introductions are out of the way, let me start my story. It was just another day with Mohsin and Muk at my place. My finals were going to begin soon (and by soon I mean in like 4 to 5 days) and I was having fun (like always) with my friends. I mean who studies for exams, right? When suddenly out of the blue MUK said, “Hey, HP… Meray chachu ki shadi hai, narowal jana hai shadi pay?” (Now, I know what you are thinking, try explaining that you are going to your friend’s uncle’s wedding to your parents:P)  To be quite honest, at first I thought he was pulling my leg or something but then I saw the look of seriousness in his eyes… the look I always see when he sees a girl (You know, jab bhi koi larki dekhay is ka dil bolay olay olay olay). Now this wasn’t the past when MUK hadn’t discovered girls so I knew he wasn’t you know checking me out so I being the humble, generous and loyal friend, (Yes, I know I am too good to be true, kneel before me you filthy humans :P) in the quest of keeping him happy said yes immediately (over rated you say? Well I don’t and since it’s my essay so shut it).  Plans were made. So, here I was thinking that it would be a great place to unwind and relax but little did I know that a sinister game was afoot… the plans were in motion by the evil master mind MUK… to… KILL ME… KILL ME… KILL ME!!! (Thought of trying out the star flush effect.) Now the real story begins… In this story unlike any other I will tell you about his evil plans, how I foiled them and lived to tell the story (Oh you are gonna get bored but I dun give a beep to you now do I :P)

Evil Plan 1

Codenamed: The Disco Bus!


Well we started off from Mohsin’s place early in the morning and took the bus to save money. Why? Well ask Mohsin -.-‘cheap staking bastard. Soon we were at the “larry adda” (if you don’t know what that means then Google it dumb American ass). Now MUK had made us dream of beautiful centrally air conditioned busses which went to Narowal. We the oh so innocent boys, dreamt the impossible dream forgetting that our dreams were never to be realized. Our glorious ride was a bus like the one in the picture. It was a memento to Michael Jackson and people have the nerve to say we have no taste, I mean those buses can make people dance in such a way while traveling that even Michael would have thought twice about moving! Viva la Bus. Now, our dance instructor was a drunken bastard who loved to make us dance on old pathetic Indian songs, whereas his associate the registrar was a maniac who would open the door after passing each car, yell obscenities at them and then close the door. I mean if you are going to do that then keep the door open you dumb fuck. The driver drove like the clone of Michael Schumacher, wait even that idiot drives more safely than our designated drunken ass. But we held on, we survived!! Yes, we survived… (how else would you be reading this dumbo -.-‘) the horrible music, the amazing driving and the fact of reaching our designation almost 30 minutes before time. Now, who says Pakistani’s aren’t punctual?

Evil Plan 2

Codenamed: Operation Food Kill!!

Now, we were staying alone at a farm house with an orderly. Yes, I say orderly because he looked like he had just escaped from the mental asylum in Tere Naam. Anyhow, now comes the food. You can’t have a visit without food now can you? I mean I go somewhere and there is no food? IMPOSSIBLE!!! So the food well to describe it shortly, the food was of the highest quality. Some dishes are

  • Spice drowned in oil with some potatoes and eggs to fool people
  • Chicken spiced drowned in oil
  • Milk mixed in sugar (The recipe is really simple, all you need is 1 kg sugar and one glass of milk)
  • Rice
  • Mountain Dew and 7up made from the same recipe the milk mixed in sugar was made from except of milk they used water and traces of CO2 this time.

Now you might think… wait you and think? Good joke. Yea, it may seem like that the food was horrible… well it wasn’t ok? I mean we had plenty of fun mixing lots of salt in it and having fishing contests in the oil for potatoes, eggs or chicken! Food and fun combined!

The only downside was us being forced to drink glasses (yes glasses x.x) of milk in “mehmaan nawazi!” (Yea English muk gayi!)

Evil Plan 3

Codenamed: Search for the Lost Lake (Supplementary mission to Operation Food Kill!)

Oh our first adventure was the search for the ever flowing lost lake (Beep you MUK :P) of dilhouzie. Yes, after a 30 minute march we found it! Now, I knew why it was called the LOST LAKE! Because no matter how matter I looked at it I could discern no traces of water anywhere in it. But then I got it, this was Khan territory and sometimes Khan wanted to bath and not get wet or just roll around in the sand like a bunch of asses. I could see the craving of rolling in the sand like an ass in MUK’s eyes but we didn’t let him pursue his life long dream.

Evil Plan 4

Codenamed: Walk of Death from Gurdwara in the Land of Cow SHIT!

Untitled-1 copy

Well we hitched a ride from MUK’s dad to the Gurdwara of Nanak Sahib. From there the stupid idea of visiting the river Ravi was planted into our minds by a man who has an ass for a son. Yes, Muk’s dad. Since, Muk’s car couldn’t transform into a hovercraft like james bond’s and cross a lake, much to his dismay, we decided to go to the river on foot leaving Muk’s dad behind to go back to the village. (Chor aye hum who gariyan:P) We crossed the river on foot and started our journey towards Ravi on foot in freshly ploughed land. It was like walking on clouds… IT WAS EFFING HARD AND REQUIRED MORE ENERGY THAN USUAL!!! Soon, we met some cows. Even though Muk wanted to converse with them and impress them, we pointed the sad fact that they didn’t understand him like the cows in Karachi or Lahore to him. But don’t worry, these cows were real friendly. They had left us plenty of presents to tread upon and they were laying them continuously! BULL SHIT… more like COW SHIT and BUFFALO SHIT to be exact. But we kept walking as “these boots are made for walking and that’s what they will do.” That is one of our companions died. He was closest to me (even though some unnamed sources love them more than I ever can). His death was a painful one as his front was ripped off from the rest of his body. My chappal broke! And the two buttwipes with me decided to have a race. They ran, I walked. They ran harder like I was freaking Jason coming after them to kill them with my broken chappal. Dumbasses, but no matter how hard they tried they couldn’t loose me. I know I am to precious to loose :P. We survived that literally shitty walk.

Evil Plan 5

Codenamed: The Last Ride!

Since we were there officially to attend the wedding and to see a village as MUK had told us that we had never seen one or something, we were forced to attend the wedding of MUK’s chachu. But this was not the evil plan; the evil plan was the ride to MUK’s village with MUK’s dad in his car. We started the journey towards MUK’s village in his car. Just as we got complacent, a horrible screech like sound came from the back of the car, it sounded like a guy was trying to sing some shitty lyrics. For a moment I thought of putting tape on Muk’s mouth and stop him from singing but then I realized it wasn’t him but it was the glorious speakers in his car. “Sorry guys mein cable nae laya werna English ganay chaltay” MUK said innocently as Mohsin and I suffered gravely. Oh how I wanted to stick a cable into him somewhere right then.  His intentions were clear… to make us lose our sanity, bang our heads and die… if you think that this was it? Well then let me tell you, you are underestimating MUK. For soon the concrete road ended and the joy ride began. In all my life, I have ridden many whacky rides in fun fairs, parks etc but none was as deadly and freaky than this one. The car bounced like a basket ball with us inside us. Well on the bright side I knew how a basketball felt now. But we survived again.

Evil Plan 6

Codenamed: The Neglect-ion Trap!

After arriving in his village, we were made to sit to in a small drawing room (its called a bhetak, its basically a room inside or outside someone’s house with an external door connecting it to the street, so people can come and sit in that room without entering the actual house.) At first there were people there who stared at us like we were some aliens or they were the media, we were Lindsay Lohan and they just found out that she was a lesbian. Soon, food arrived for us (since we didn’t even have had breakfast) and people left. I mean sure we may be sometimes sloppy eaters but we can eat in public. Seriously, what did they think we were? We ate the food silently with water. After that MUK said, “I’ll be right back guys” and vanished. Mohsin and I laid down on the charpais there and started to rest (and by rest I mean we slept). Only an hour had gone by when some other guests came and we had to get up. And guess what? MUK was still not there. Now, the room we were made to sit in was perhaps designed by SSG commandos as there was no signal coverage of any cellular network in that room and knowing we were deep within Khan Territories we didn’t want to risk going out alone without a Khan of our own to protect us. Soon, the new comers too started to stare at us like we were some alien beings and started discussing some things after finding out we were just some harmless city slickers. That was when the Neglect-ion Trap was activated. A man arrived and took the leftovers away and served the guests which had just arrived with cold drinks! We stared at the person serving with puppy dog eyes but we were ignored. More guests followed and each one was presented with cold drinks all except us… The idea was simple… make us feel neglected… make us feel like that we didn’t belong in this world and we were inferior to everyone so that we would ourselves kill each other. MUK was absent because he was the only one we knew and could have asked to make us equal to all the other guests by brining us cold drinks too. Pure evil I tell you. But Mohsin and I were pure Beghairats, so we controlled our minds and survived… barely. Oh, and after being confronted with this fact MUK replied, “Who dulhay kay dost thay.” I really wanted to make him a friend of dulha too… a deceased one at that point.

Evil Plan 7

Codenamed: Operation White Snow!

I am a sound sleeper, so after a tiresome day of attending the wedding, I slept like a baby at night. That was when Mohsin and MUK struck me with a bottle of shaving foam found in the toilet. They made a video of it… uh you know I can type a lot about it but it would be easier if I just include the link to make you understand it more easily.

Uh they say a video is worth a million words… write them yourselves.

Evil Plan 8

Codenamed: Boredom Barrage!

After seeing that none of his plans worked and we both were still alive and well, MUK this time took an alternative approach. On the day we were returning to Lahore, he asked his dad to drop us of at Narowal Bus Station. From there his dad got us to sit in an air conditioned bus. This bus had two joint seats. We went and sat at the back. Mohsin and MUK quickly occupied two adjoined seats and I was made to sit alone on their opposite side. The evil plan of MUK was to make a Khan sit with me and have him take advantage of me since he couldn’t do it himself. I being smart laid down on both the seats and made myself comfortable while Mohsin and MUK listened to music on MUK’s cell phone. Soon, the bus picked up more passengers, one of them sat down in the seat that was in front of MUK. He was one of those assholes who think they are the only ones travelling and push their seats way back to the limit, cramping the person behind them. So, he being compelled by his assholic nature did just that and MUK instead of asking that person to move his seat back to its position so he could sit properly too gently pushed the seat in front of him and after failing to move it himself he got up and sat with me saying that the seat in front of him was busted. (Yea just like the fox said the grapes are sour.) Seriously, all he needed at that point was a nikaab and he could have passed for a girl… oh wait I am sorry girls are way more courageous. I just smiled and sat up with my legs on my own seat and me leaning a little against MUK’s seat. Ah, how the mighty have fallen. MUK’s plan of having a Khan sit with me and/or making me watch as he and Mohsin enjoyed himself failed miserably and ended up him having to sit with little old me.

So, this was the highly exaggerated tale of how MUK made attempts on my life and how I survived by luck, ingenuity and shear will power. Apart from this we had total fun in doing what so ever that we did there. That included walking from the Gurdwara, searching for the dried up lake, making MUK’s dad scold MUK for leaving us alone, making MUK mad, watching MUK get tensed due to Mughees, watching as how MUK watched the Louk Sabah ijlas of Indian Government after waby uhh… you know 😛 the whole danda deal 😛 but then again it was just the beginning , attending the wedding etc. So, apart from making fun I had a lot of fun. Thank you to MUK and especially to MUK’s parents for allowing us to visit their village and for making our time there memorable.

2 Responses to “Man versus wild versus MUK! (Revised Edition)”

  1. ... guess who? Says:

    two plan 5s???

    • wow i made a mistake now take a gun out and kill me -.-‘seriously u act like ur all perfect if u were u wudnt need to hide behind some guess who stpd names 😛 and i m too lazy to guess so enjoy ur life in rawalpindi dude 😛

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