Who Am I?

Writer’s Note: This article may seem a little too much self praising and long but to me its just who I am and honestly this article is not long… for I am way more than whats told in this article… this is just you can say the first chapter of who I am… Don’t worry the rest of me is not to be told about…

I’ve lost count the number of times I have been asked that very same question over and over again. The same haunting question which is slowly, yet indefinitely, driving me insane. The question that has been asked from me by almost everyone I know. May it be my enemy, my closest friend or some minor acquaintance I have the pleasure (or displeasure) of knowing. The question… “Who are you?”

In olden literature you often come across the philosophy that to be successful one needs to understand who and what he truly is. So, here today I ask my self and perhaps all of you the very same question… Who am I?

Now, as many of you might have guessed this is a rhetorical question. The answer is something that is like a novice translators babblings, a little vague but nonetheless I hope to satisfy my internal demon that yes, I know who I am!

So, who am I? I am not a saint… yet I often find myself helping people I feel close to or often I find myself feeling sad for someone drenched in the rain from the dark clouds of despair. Often do I find myself helping someone from the shadows without sometimes even my own conviction.

On the other hand… I am not a sinner either… yet I often find myself having these sudden urges to inflict deep excruciating pain on someone just because that person is getting on my nerves. Often do I find myself plotting and sometimes even executing plans for revenge, despair and sorrow. Often do I find myself enjoying seeing people in pain.

By religion I have been dubbed as a Muslim yet often do I find myself not obeying the will of Allah. Often do I, find myself skipping prayers and giving in to the will of my inner Satan just because it sounds more fun. So am I not a Muslim? If not then why do I often say my prayers just out of fear of that Omnipotent power in the vast skies above…? Why do I ask for forgiveness and everything I need from Him?

Perhaps I am selfish… As I do what I feel is right and not care for others. But if I am selfish then why do I believe that ends do not justify the means. Why do I think of what I have gained and how I gained it if the only thing that should matter to me is I?

I am not a coward… yet I often find myself fearing from some unknown fear that lurks in the shadows… often do I find myself curling up in fear of some unknown entity out to swallow me.

I am not a brave person either… yet I often find myself standing up for what I believe in… often do I find myself staring into the eyes of an enemy far stronger than I, yet not even feeling the need or want to back away even an inch.

I do not hate my country… yet often do I sit and pity the soil and people of my country… often do I sit and criticize the system that runs this very soil… often do I just stand and watch my country burn and speak nothing.

I do not love my country… yet always do I stand when I hear the national anthem of my country… often do I argue with people about what this soil has given us and what have we given back… often do I sit and just feel proud of the fact that yes, I am a Pakistani and I rather die here as a pauper than to die elsewhere as a prince.

I do not love people… yet often do I show great signs of affection for some people… often do I find myself protecting some people without any concern for my own safety… often do I find myself touching people without expecting anything in return…

I do not hate people… yet often do I criticize them harshly… often do I without caring for their condition show them the error of their ways in a blunt, arrogant way… often do I find myself ignoring them to the very limit that they feel that they do not exist…

I am not insane… yet often do I talk to myself… often do I sit and give myself company for hours and hours… often do I disappear into my imagination… often do I find myself doing things which in the eyes of a sane person have no explanation… often do I find myself talking to the walls and expecting them to answer back…

I am not sane… yet often do I find myself giving people advise… often do I find myself sitting and pondering over different issues that plague us…

Guess that makes me a kind of a hypocrite… Well that is what I thought of myself too… until I took the courage to look deeper… the courage to ask myself the question, “why?” Why do I behave this way? Why the different aspects of my personality? Am I clinically sick? Do I suffer from a case of multiple personalities? Perhaps … perhaps not… trust me I am not a psychiatrist but I do know why…

I find myself sitting and pondering over different plaguing issues as I still can feel… I still can feel what we truly were and what have we turned into… I can still feel the aura of sickness that surrounds us and I can not stay ill… I cannot remain in disgust with my race for long… I cannot sit idly and watch as humanity perils into an everlasting abyss of darkness and corruption… that is why I advise people… that is why I try to help them lighten their burdens in the hope that perhaps they might suffer less with this wretched wench known as life…

I talk to myself or the walls because sometimes I fail to see any hope in humanity… I fail to see the intellect and emotions a human should delineate… that is when I have to contract into my imagination… to see things as I want them to be… to see a better tomorrow and plan for it and who else would know that tomorrow better than my own self?

I am mean to people because I refuse to be a part of this lying and corrupt system. I refuse to lie to someone just because it might make them feel better for an instance… I refuse to laugh behind their back… If I must laugh I rather do it on their face. I must show them their wrongs for if I don’t what difference is there between me and them? I refuse to sugarcoat my opinion because that is something that this world taught me… the harsher you are the more you are heard…

I do not love people… but I do love my friends and family… I find myself protecting them as they are the closest thing I have that saves me from going insane… Those people who make me what I am… they are the reasons I get the courage to get out of bed and face the world each and every day… So, I may lie and say I love them equally but I won’t… there are some which I love more than others and for them I do tend to do some unnoticeable special things… but then again this is something very humane…

I am a patriot… at least in my eyes. I am the kind of a patriot that refuses to go with the flow. I refuse to do something unless I see the point behind it. I am the kind of patriot that would rather pray for the safety of his country on 23rd March than to place a picture of a flag as my display picture on some God forsaken social networking site just because everyone is doing it does not make it good enough and sense full enough for me to do it. I find myself sitting quietly because that is the moment I am honoring the death of those who fell in the way of good. Those who gave their lives… I find myself thinking of how to raise a concerning voice rather than to post a status or to watch some disturbing video… I rather sign a legitimate petition than to put on a status that every moron in this country is copy pasting thinking that this is a very patriotic thing to do…

I am neither a coward nor a fighter… I stand for what I believe to be right. I will stand for what I believe in no matter how strong of an opponent threatens me… I fight not for fun but for purpose… I rather use my brain as a weapon than to use a sword… Honestly there are some times when I DO misuse my weapon but that again often inflict no permanent wounds. I do not fear the dark but I do fear the darkness of the future… I do fear the long and desolate road we are travelling… for no man is without fear… But I do not cower for long. I gird up my lions and soon stare back into the eye of the storm with a smile that simply says, “Do your worst… I am ready.”

I am not selfish but about some things I do intend to get a little possessive sometimes as after all the human side of me is still very much alive. I do intend to get a little clingy to some things I love or cherish. Often these usually include only memories shared with my close friends, family etc.

By religion I have been dubbed a Muslim… and even if I sometimes may not act it but I do try to fit the image of a Muslim. I do give into the will of Satan. I do sometimes do things that come back to haunt me in the future, but I hold no regrets for I believe that what ever wrongs I did I must pay the price in this life or the other. I ask for everything I need from Allah because I know that He is the only one who can provide me with what I need. I believe in His omnipotence alone.

I am not a sinner yet I am not a saint… I tread the path in between the two and often choose the path which offers me more excitement as to me monotony is boring… I am an explosive who needs to light himself in order to serve the purpose of his inner demon. I do things in a way that make people refer to me as “eccentric”. I help people from the shadows to satisfy my internal curiosity… I am mean to many also for the reason of satisfying my thirst for knowledge… knowledge of how people react… of how they deal with different problems. I find myself often dwindling between evil and good just because it is fun… I am like an angel in some circles and in others I am a demon that must be avoided at all costs… perhaps that is why I chose my nick way back… perhaps I guess that nick defined me back then and even now … I am Dev!l…

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5 Responses to “Who Am I?”

  1. mahn00r Says:

    yay! another post! i was waiting for one 😛 anyways.. its a good post.. a little umm.. i dun have the right word for it so i’ll leave it.. but its good overall.. and i’m glad you know that you’re EVIL O.O i mean Dev!l xp

  2. That’s the reason you asked us for telling one sentence that describes you :P?

  3. @ mano u can say it sux xD
    @zaid not really

  4. umm… now that’s the kind of post that makes me want to slap you real hard and tell you that you’re awesome… however i do think there were some parts that i found weird in a boring way but good post after a long long time. 😀 welcome back to your ‘style’

    btw you’r just another lunatic who thinks he’s the Dev!l… 🙂

  5. What can i do its an incurable lunacy 😛 and i do not suffer from insanity i enjoy every minute of it 😛 and the boring parts are there cuz i cudnt write it all in a flow thanks to wapda -.-‘ the boring parts are usually where my flow was broken x.x

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