Archive for August, 2012

Belated Eid Mubarik

Posted in Uncategorized on August 22, 2012 by Dev!l

Ah the month of Ramadan is over… Funny how pious everyone behaves on the basis of some scriptures that when torn by an Arabic is said to be fine but when done by a little kid is said to be an act of blasphemy.

Ramadan is supposed to teach us tolerance yet the only tolerance I ever saw was when people patiently waited in lines in front of big restraints for a table while the poor watched them with eyes filled with hunger. Ramadan is supposed to teach us compassion and we do get compassionate… We decrease the price of all foods by 2% by first raising them as high as 10% before Ramadan.

Yea yea, I know it’s supposed to be about being pious. That we do very well! We turn the whole month into a competition and continuously meddle in other people’s religion. We find it very prideful if we set one sinful soul straight by scolding them and publicly humiliating them not realizing that this way his fast won’t be for God but for the sake of avoiding another humiliation. So very pious we are… And then the coveted Chand Raat comes and everything just goes away. Tv Channels showing men with big beards are replaced with girls wearing skimpy clothes, radio channels reciting the Quran are replaced by songs like, “I wanna F*ck you” etc. This is all very pious right?

I really don’t want to talk about religion as I believe what we do is to satisfy God in our own way. I believe in religious freedom but I do believe that for this month people from different religions show more compassion than Muslims. I have met Muslims who would stuff their faces in front of a very hungry me and Christians who would just smile and say, “I can eat later buddy” even if their stomach is rumbling. So, there goes that down the tube…

I know a lot of what I am saying here makes no sense what so ever but this is how things are in a nut shell… I would have had loved to elaborate but I’m running a fever and a sore throat atm and just am not able to sleep even though my eye lids are shutting themselves forcibly. No, there is no need for get well soon or anything… No one really cares so people should act like they should… False expectations are far worse than the feeling that no one is there. Oh since I was away to my village for Eid, Happy Belated Eid to everyone who bothers reading this post and is a Muslim. To everyone else, prayers of happiness and peace even if you don’t believe in them. Traditionally, I am bound to ask how was your Eid but frankly I see no purpose in doing that… For those who wish to know how mine was, well the sentence that best describes my Eid would be, “A starry night with a rogue fire fly.”

P.S. I would prefer if those who do know me personally would leave my personal life out of the comment box, thank you very much. It’s not very polite to spread theories etc. 😛

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The Scientist

Posted in Funny, Stories. on August 11, 2012 by Dev!l

Writer’s Note: This post is written in utter humor and aims to be different than all the other stupid love stories out there but does borrow the same old plot. So, here is something old in a new dress =D

He gazed upon her picture; all data suggested that this was a mental illness. There was no way anyone alive could secrete this much Serotonin whenever she was near. All of his precious science just melted away whenever she smiled and the laws of entropy just didn’t seem to matter as, “how could something so beautiful lead to the disorder of anything?” He always felt so massless even though his particles in reality interacted with the Higgs field in a natural manner.  He was astonished at the fact at how he felt so empty when she wasn’t around even though his mass remained constant. He never could explain the anomalies of how she could bend his space time continuum even though she never violated any axioms of the general theory of Relativity.

“Perhaps Einstein was wrong after all? NO! You have become insane.” He argued with himself as always. The science of his condition was just absurd. No man stuck in the Minowski coordinates could explain his conundrum yet it was there. “Perhaps String theory is right and these are the works of forces that appeared stronger in the compactification of the extra dimensions or maybe there are some extra forces?” he couldn’t help but laugh at the stupidity of his argument as he knew there were only 4 forces of nature and none of them could account for his behavior.

“Perhaps it is time to accept that you are in something us commoners refer to as ‘love’?” His friends repeatedly asked him but he just couldn’t accept their logic. If literature was right, all these problems arise from the heart but the heart did nothing but pump blood. How can an organ that could be replaced by a pump based on simple mechanical laws could be so troublesome to give the feeling that it hurt. He couldn’t answer for he was not a biologist. Perhaps Feynman had something or Einstein or Dirac… he searched helplessly in his books but found only the universal language of mathematics open for interpretation and significance. If everything could be expressed in formulas, why was he failing to express her significance to him?

Anything could be the centre of the universe, even he but why was it that she was the only point that truly was the centre of the universe for him? If the choice of axis was arbitrary, why was it that she was the origin of all of his actions? Perhaps he was an extra terrestrial life form, from a planet whose physics was somewhat different than of those on this planet?  But Drake’s Equation nullified even this, the wildest of his hypothesis.

He had to tell her, “Perhaps she might have a solution.” He approached her ever so cautiously that day and explained his anomalous behavior which sounded much more complex than that of water when he was in 8th grade.

She first smiled then looked at him with eyes of sorrow. “You are in love with me but I’m afraid that we can’t be together as I have my commitments to follow. I love you as well but reality and logic negate our co-existence in the same habitat. Perhaps if this were a story…”

His brain paralyzed and for the first time since he was 4, he couldn’t comprehend what the other person was speaking of. His neurons sent sharp signals of pain and his flight or flee instinct was urging him to run… run far away and never look back but gravity was pulling him towards itself with a force stronger than usual. He smiled weakly; the laws of the world were slowly coming back to him. No longer was the entropy of his state remained constant but it had started to change with time. He knew that things would change soon and smiled more. For the first time ever, he had became a believer of the multiple universe theories, just on the hope that by shooting himself to bits he had given another him in a parallel universe immense happiness with her saying yes. For the first time in his life, for that single moment in time, he believed in fairy tales and happy ever after endings for they at least existed in his imagination in that split second.

His smile broadened, he ran his hand through his hair messing them up and said with a cheerful and teasing voice, “Hey, no big deal. So, what’s up? What’s the name of the other commitments? Jack? Mike?”

But deep down he was still stuck in a universe with its space time curvature bending around a single singularity point; her. Perhaps someday that black hole would collapse and he could finally start rebuilding from the ashes… He knew it was only a matter of time but he also knew that this singularity and its cosmic back radiation would exist forever. He knew he would move on eventually but the desire to be at the event horizon of this black hole would always be unique and more powerful than anything else…

The Hidden Lands of Fantasy

Posted in Dev!l's Retrospect on August 7, 2012 by Dev!l

Writer’s Note: The following are my assignments that I submitted for a course that tends to teach how to read in between the lines of fiction and fantasy and find the hidden themes. Here are two of my reports that I had to write in between the word limit of 320/270 words. So, don’t mind if I tried to cram a lot of things in a small space but the themes were too many.

Fairy Tales by The Brothers Grimm

The book tells of stories of how the human soul desires power and control over all else and how that power sometimes corrupts the soul into committing horrendous deeds. Also rebellious nature is promoted in the book. Many symbols such as food, King etc are used as all of them in one way or another dictate the desire or the presence of power.

In the tales food, gold and power are the ultimate beneficiary items that must be possessed at any cost. We often see the heroes rebelling against the head figure by disobeying orders of parents, kings etc which always ends up in a good end. Head figures are often described as evil, negligent and selfish with step relations being the cruelest of them all. [Ref: Snow White etc.] Often children find themselves either trying to fulfill their parents dreams or becoming the sacrifice for their desires. Relations such as of brothers etc is somewhat strange as out of all the siblings one is good while the other represents evil.

There are also many hidden symbols for the want of sex and sexual tensions between different relations, many times animals e.g. wolves are used to describe the hidden sexual tension between the villain and the hero of the story. [Ref: Wolves and the seven Children, Little Red Cap etc.] In many tales, sex is categorized even over basic necessities. Physical attraction is often deemed as love in the stories, perhaps to portray the superfacialness of the society. Marriages in many stories are promoted to be more about gaining power or material gains. This may be a hint on the fact that sexual desires can be manipulated to gain power.

Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass

Caroll underlays many complicated themes in his book but the one I found most vixing was the reference to aging of a child and how they must tread on a path of self discovery through curiosity. It also gives a strong reference to how set in the laws of the world adults have become.

We see that as soon as Alice falls through the hole, she is taken into a strange world where she can change her size by eating cakes or drinking potions. The changing of the size is a clear reference to aging of a person. We see that Alice must find herself as she grows in size and she starts comparing herself with her classmates. This is the process hinted towards the fact that as we grow older we must all try to find ourselves and our own identity and how we fail to do so by comparing our ownselves with each other. “But if I’m not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, THAT’S the great puzzle!”

We further develop this notion of aging as we see Alice dealing with a world of grown ups set in their laws and how they abide by those laws without daring to ask, “Why?” This leads to the erratic and arbitrary behavior Alice faces in wonderland and in the looking glass. Prime example is of the crazy rules made by the king as “All people that are a mile high must leave the courtroom!” The process of Alice maturing can be seen as she learns how to deal with the crazy world.

In through the looking glass, the process of growing up can be seen through the change of size the chess board and peices. Also Caroll directs our attention towards how Alice is maturing when Humpty Dumpty tells her that, she should had “left off at seven”.

 

 

 

 

Hey Look! It’s a Car that Runs on Water!

Posted in Articles on August 4, 2012 by Dev!l

Today, I am going to talk about something that is sweeping the entire nation of Pakistan off their feet and apparently out of their minds. Yes, I am going to talk about the recent new technological marvel, the water car! (OMG, he is whoring himself by writing about something so mainstream! Yea, don’t really care.)

Alright, here is what happened: An engineer named Agha Waqar has developed a kit that supposedly makes a car run on water alone. No more fossil fuels, just plain distilled water. His claim is that this will solve the energy and fuel crisis that over 60 nations face today.

As a student of Physics, I find this claim incredible. So, today I am going to educate all of the supporters of Agha Waqar out there in a little branch of science known as Chemistry and Physics. No no, don’t turn away, this isn’t going to be E= I DON’T GIVE A DAMN Physics but your basic high school physics that apparently our great nation knows nothing of.

So, first we are going to imagine how it can be done! The most basic principle to get energy from water is via electrolysis. What we do in this magical alchemy is that we convert H2O (Water) into its forming components i.e. O2 and H2. Now H2 is highly volatile (that means it goes boom boom when near fire) which when burnt would give us energy. Sounds simple enough? So, why isn’t the world using this technology? Well there is a thing known as “the law of conservation of energy” that stands in the way. Mathematically speaking to convert 1 litre of water you need round about 5kWh (i.e. 5000 Watts in one hour) for the sake of simplicity let’s call them 5 units of energy. Now this will produce about 55.4 mol of H2, for simplicity and the sheer destruction of chemistry and physics let’s call them 55 grams of H2 (yes, I know there is a standard way of converting from moles to grams etc but am going as basic as I can to simplify it for the geniuses out there). Now by experimentation, that is what SCIENTISTS do in order to do actual science; we know H2 gives round about 242 kJ/mole, which we will call 242 smaller units of energy per gram in our analogy for the mentally deranged. So by doing basic mathematics, where 1 kWh = 3.6 MJ (M=mega = 10^6 and k=Kilo=10^3) we get 3.72 units of energy. So, if you do have a brain that functions, it wouldn’t take you long to notice that you gave 5 units of energy to the whole system and got back 3.72 units of energy back. 5>3 even if you don’t believe it, it’s true!  That just means handing a person 500 Rupees and asking him to give you 300 Rupees back. You didn’t do anything but waste 200 Rupees!!!

So this is what Agha Waqar proclaims he did! Or maybe wait, he used something totally new perhaps… So, how did he do it? Well, those who do have a scientific mind did ask him, if he was changing batteries due to the loss of electricity or if he was using some new sort of catalyst (something that will raise the 3.72 units of energy to 5 units or even more) to which he said, NO! He then went on to say he could do this as the First and Second Law of Thermodynamics were wrong!

So what are these laws? Well they are absolutely nothing but somethings that just kind of state that in any process in which work is done, heat (energy) is absorbed by the system. This is the law of conservation of energy. The second law states, “No process is possible whose sole result is the transfer of heat from a body of lower temperature to a body of higher temperature.” That means no engine works at a 100% efficiency, no no not possible and I’m saying that without even involving entropy! Something that literally makes the world go forward!

So by him stating that those laws are wrong, he is actually stating that he can make energy without equivalent exchange or so to say less energy can produce more! That is like you saying, “Hey, I can push this heavy crate of rocks by just standing next to it!”

Now here come the people I love to Agha’s defense! The ones who state that he can be right as laws are meant to be broken and give examples of the four elements, the world’s flat, Newton vs. Einstein etc. So, to all those geniuses out there, firstly: The laws that we talk about in normal life can be broken but scientific laws are not like that. They are actually made by morons who wasted their entire lives seeking after them, tested and tried again and again by people who came after them whether they were true or not.  Then they were called laws as they held up to every experiment thrown up to them. That is done by experimentation you dumb beepholes! Try actually reading the science text book of an 8 grader instead of memorizing it! Actually you know what if you do believe in that so much do me a favor, Don’t send your kids, nephews etc to school as if this is true the entire world of Physics and chemistry will crash. Your kids are just wasting their time learning something not true at all! Or better yet just don’t reproduce.

The laws of thermodynamics are even proven by another branch of Physics known as Statistical Physics. If they are wrong then not only Statistical Physics but subjects like Quantum Mechanics, Quantum Computation, General Relativity and many more will perish! That means whatever we have done uptil now will all just be a sham. Oh wait you know what this may actually be true… It may all be a conspiracy of the Illuminati! OMG, thank you oh great savior Agha Waqar that helped us uncover their evil plot to rule the world, you con artist!

Now, for those who give examples of how Einstein proved Newton wrong. No, Einstein didn’t prove Newton wrong, he just elaborated his laws more to give us relativity. Newton’s laws are still applicable in the macro world (the world we see with our naked eyes). So, please actually read up on subjects before barking about them! Oh and then there is the branch of people who say that we are against the great engineer because he is from a backward area and not a famous scientist. Well, to all those people, Einstein was a German who had migrated to Switzerland and was working as a clerk in the Swiss patent office after he couldn’t get a job at a university. He was a nobody in another country when he came up with his scientific papers that revolutionized the world.

Oh and a lot of you will say, what do you know? You are just a Physicist who knows nothing about engineering… Well, to all those people I have one thing to say: The laws that Engineers work on were actually made by Physicists. We are the ones who provide the blue prints and Engineers are the one who make them better or build them. Sure there are times when even they provide the blue prints and we accept them but then again many engineers also believe in what I believe in right now.

If Mr. Agha is really that much of a genius, please I request the government to give him his patent and beg him to please publish a paper on how he violated those 2 laws of thermodynamics so as a Physicist I can burn my degrees, the world of science may actually prosper and actually call myself a proud Pakistani. Again, I am not asking him to publish how he made the water kit, but just how he proved those two laws to be wrong! Till then, Me, Dr. Atta-ur-Rehman (A scientist with more than 850 research papers in the field of Chemistry), Dr. Hoodhboy and many more with a sane brain and actual concepts of science will say: FU AGHA WAQAR, you are a con artist and thank you for showing us that our nation is full of nothing but bloody morons!

Yay, Another Love Story?

Posted in Stories. on August 1, 2012 by Dev!l

 

Writer’s Note: The following is an average love story… The reason I wrote it is for the fact that it’s actually true… I just made few minor changes in it but at the very least the plot of it is all true… Sad really…

“So you came…”

“Against my better judgment, better make it quick I have a party to attend.”

“Party? Didn’t you hate those?”

He gave a muffled laugh, “Well the things I thought I loved came to bite me in the ass, so why not.”

“…”

“Yea well, the past is history. Seriously, can you put a move on?”

“Umm, I need your help”

“Need, oh that is such an overstatement for you. The word you’re looking for is want.”

“Can’t you just let it go, jack?”

“Sure I can.” He got up from the table and turned to leave.

“No, please… I need your help… I need you.”

His body froze in a conundrum. He wanted to leave but something was pulling him back. He gave in and took his seat again.

“He’s in trouble and…”

“Oh your “just a friend” is in trouble?” He jeered

“… I guess I deserve that but I do need your help.”

“Look miss, I may think about helping you but him? I have no relation with him.”

“But I do…”

“Don’t really care.”

“Please…”

“You know just for the heck of it… Humor me. What’s the problem?”

“Well, he is about to get suspended from his job for something he never did. Anyhow, since he is in trouble, he stays depressed nowadays. Money is becoming scarce and he is not willing to lend from his parents.”

“Ah, yes let me just get my IMF check book out. So how much do you need? 30 Billion USD?”

“… No, I need you to hook me up with a job interview at a firm. The hiring manager is your old friend, Cody.”

“Ah, how the mighty have crumbled…”

“So will you?”

“Really? After all we went through, you still ask me that? Hell no.”

“Help me, for the sake of our…”

“Shut up, don’t you dare use the term…”

“love?”

“I said don’t disgrace something so beautiful with what you had for me… Mere infatuation.”

“But I did love…”

He banged his fist on the table.

“Oh grow up, people fall in and out of love all the time. Move on for God’s sake.”

“No, people fall in and out of infatuations. I asked you once the difference between both and you told me you “Loved” me. It was the sake of the love that I stayed quiet when you befriended HIM. You said he was a friend and I believed you. My friends warned me, they even wanted to present evidence to me but I believed you. 5 months later I found out that you were getting married to him on your wedding day and you still have the nerve to use the love card on me?”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought it would hurt you… And you were never around he was… He never was so serious about every small idiotic problem”

“haha, you said you fell for me due to that… Ah, this was truly a mistake. You called me not to ask me for help but to hurt me more.”

“You never could understand how I…”

“Yea, and you never could understand that I wasn’t made of stone.” He got up quiet calm for a man with tears in his eyes and left.

“You know I thought I always had a friend in you…”

“Well, friends don’t lie to each other.” He retorted without bothering to look back

A week later she opened her house door to a mail man carrying a single letter in a black envelope. She opened it…

“50K has been transferred to your old bank account. You are due for an interview tomorrow at P&P, everything is spoken for, just show up, smile and answer few basic questions. Zack’s job has been restored and he won’t be bothered again in the future as long as he sticks to the rules. Please never contact me after this for I barely stagger along as it is… You never could value my love, guess you never had a heart to begin with. Have fun and no need to return the money, it is my wedding present to you both.”