Archive for January, 2014

2013: A Review

Posted in Uncategorized on January 2, 2014 by Dev!l

To be fairly honest, I had no intent of writing anything albeit a few moments ago. The reason? Well, quite honestly, even I’m not aware of it. Perhaps it is to satisfy the feathery, halo carrying angel in me that I for one still am capable of feeling something or it may very well be a way to amuse myself by sitting back and observing how people react. In any case, this is somewhat of a tradition in which I look at my past year and try to get everyone updated just because you all are so very important to me that I really can’t fathom the thought of being left without a crowd in which I can be alone in.

Just like all previous years, this year started on a decent note. Everything seemed to be going my way as I was getting a track of my life and putting pieces of it together but then again, aren’t we all always doing that? Apart from the usual parties and hangouts, which I had so many of that I just can’t seem to care about most of them, things seemed fine. I managed to ace every test I gave and was on my merry way for further education abroad. At least, that is what I tell myself every time I remember it. Funny isn’t it? We try to falsify ourselves with hopes and delusions when we know that most dreams aren’t meant to be? In any case, just like all great movies, tragedy struck and my father’s brother was murdered in the allegedly “safe” city of Karachi. The reason? He belonged to a different province than the one he was in and he just couldn’t stand down and cower before the demands of a bully. Normally we call it racial discrimination but funnily enough, in my country we all are (almost) of the same color and the only thing that separates us are the lingual and territorial boundaries. We take it upon ourselves to impose those boundaries so fiercely that we hate anyone who is an outsider and then we have the nerve to call ourselves a “nation”.

In lieu of his death, I was made to decide on some rather important matters which made me nothing but a disappointment in the eyes of those that I held dear. It was then that I learnt that there is no such thing as freedom of will as our lives are never ours to begin with and how helpless we truly in are in fate’s grand design. Funnily enough blaming things on fate is something that is very human like, I guess I’m not so different after all but then again I learnt that when I was shown sympathy (or perhaps apathy) by those who did see me. I also learnt that no matter how things seem, what you want the most and no matter how likely it seems that you’ll get it, it just always is an inch away.

It was the time I thought that things couldn’t really get any worse but then they took another level of awesome when the man I looked up to all my life, whose morals I often emulated without thought suffered from a heart attack in a city miles from mine and his. While I should had been a nervous and emotional wreck, it was then I found out that I was inhumanely still reciting the voice of logic for some unknown reason. Ah but the icing on the cake wasn’t this but the fact that I was blamed to be a possible reason just right after I won the battle with myself that it wasn’t my fault. Guess that wasn’t a great time to be glad that even the strongest of castles can be penetrated.

As all things go, it goes without saying that I couldn’t really go abroad due to such events but I did manage to get into the top institutions in my own country. As a result, I did join one out of my own city only to find out that it was not something I could picture myself doing for the rest of my life. I tried my best to cope with the program but decided to jump ship as soon as the call from a more relevant field in another university came through.

Oh before you go and feel all sad for me, don’t as emotions should be wasted on people who give a damn, I for one don’t. Sure, there are times when I feel that things could have gone better or I could have had done better with my own life but even then I can just manage to ignore everything and take happiness in small things. Perhaps that is why my friends don’t stand next to me on the side of a busy road as I jump up and down singing songs. It’s rather funny, people don’t realize that the only cure from becoming insane is to be insane. The only way to function normally is to act abnormally. The only way one can live is to be able to look up at the world despite its cruelty and harshness, despite the vicissitudes of fate is to smile and smile big.

Considering everything, I still believe that the year could have had gone worse as one thing I have learnt is that no matter how dark things seem, there always is someone out there who has it worse than you. Sure, it may sound bookish to a lot of people but with an insane fraternity, some friends you can rely on and a hard shell you can just barely manage to pull it off. You can manage to look back at a total “shit-fest” (excuse me for not having a better word) of a year and still manage to smile as you manage to recall things like the fact that you graduated this year, or how much fun you had in an unknown city in those rare moments you did meet a friend, or how you actually managed to meet new people and be an intern at a place you loved, or how you came to value what you do have even more by being separated from it, or how someone you know could teach you that every taunt you ever faced for telling the truth even if it got you in trouble was all worth it by giving his life, or how uncertain and unpredictable life is yet we always manage to find something or someone for its random nature.

So why am I writing this emotional jibber jabber to begin with? Truth be told, I don’t know. I stand at a crossroad in my life and am faced with decisions that could potentially haunt me for the rest of my life. On top of that I am burdened with ill news that quite frankly, if true does scare me more than I will ever care to admit. Perhaps it is to give vent to all the hatred that has filled inside of me or perhaps it is to just look back at an awful year and smile as things could go worse still. No… It is to find a reason to smile by recalling all the fun memories even when they were few and far apart, it is to talk to myself and be able to hear back more loudly and boldly than I have ever spoken. In any case, it is definitely not for you (even though I could count each and every one who will manage to get through this article on my fingers) but for my own self. Oh wait I forgot, HAPPY NEW YEAR, if you do feel sympathetic don’t forget you can always donate to me =P I accept cash, cheques, gifts and even good free food =P So what are you waiting for, don’t be a jerk now 😛