Archive for December, 2017

2017 and I

Posted in Uncategorized on December 29, 2017 by Dev!l

It has been such a long time since I last wrote something to let my inner anguish out, to give the inner me a voice. No, I have not turned into some edgy teen who is blogging in 2017 while sipping coffee in a starbucks, rather I just want to let a few things out.

It’s rather funny how what was once a hobby, an escape of mine has faded from my life. Guess I had found the one person in my life who was able to make all the voices in my head go quiet for once. I know, I have used the past tense, because as all good things in my life, I managed to screw things up. I can sit here and spend days dissecting every wrong move I or the people around me made which led to this point but at the end of the day, none of that really matters. The only thing that does matter is that the voices in my head are back. I would be lying if I were to say that they weren’t missed but that’s the terrible truth about peace, once you get a taste of it, you get addicted. Even though, those voices made me who I am and defined me, I would gladly trade them away in a heartbeat for a taste of that nirvana I once had.

Before you get curious, no I haven’t had the time to paint my nails black, even though I must admit I am giving vent to what is inside my head at 5 in the morning while sitting in the dark. But hey, that doesn’t really mean anything. Do I feel sad? Yes, but isn’t that human nature? To mourn a loss of something that was dear to you? Like all things in life, these feelings will too pass and hopefully make me a better person in the process. If not, well at least I can get a few laughs by being cynical for my entire life, not that I was ever a ray of sunshine to begin with.

You know, that being said, I did get to learn a lot. I did get to learn that I have an astonishingly amazing life ahead of me as a hip and happening physicist as well as I may be suffering from Deer Fever, AIDs or Menopause, thanks WebMD and Google. Jokes and sarcasm aside, I have learned who I am as a person an what are my faults. I do try to work on them actively but there are some rare times, mostly from Mondays 00:01 to Sundays 23:58, when the lazy me wins and I just lie in my bed staring at a computer screen. Which in my defense, does have some of the best comedies running on it.

I know, it all sounds very bleak and sad but it’s rather fun to be alone in a sea of people in some ways and be low key mad at everyone for doing the slightest of things that annoys you, for example breathing or having self importance. I mean, sure I can technically build sort of a death ray if I put my mind to it but honestly I just lack the funds. Also, as I have found out from first hand experience, building unheard of things in a scientific way requires a lot of patience, trial and error, money, and hard work. So, I think I would rather just watch rerun of Friends or Scrubs or something of the sort. Besides, knowing me, I would rather write a 1000 word essay on things no one cares about or would ever read than to finish writing my thesis. Which in turn is a good indication that the documentation for the whole project would be a pain in the ass. Also, I would have to interact with actual people in order to get my death ray off of the ground, which in retrospect would defeat the whole purpose.

Now that I have re-read everything I have just jotted down, it doesn’t really make much sense. It rather seems like a bleak cry for attention rather than the ramblings of someone looking to give himself a voice. Trust me, it’s the latter and before anyone gets concerned no, you can not refer to me as Edgelord Extraordinaire, as awesome as it may sound. Everyone just deals with things in their own way, and my way apparently, is just being an ass about it, as always.

I guess in the end I should technically do an year end review as well since it is the end of the year 2017… Well, this year I went back to Pakistan, fell deeper in love, saw my relationship blow up into smithereens (Wile E. Coyote style), broke fingers in both of my hands simultaneously while getting a small scar over my eyebrow (unfortunately, no cool story to pick up chicks there), met the person I loved, learnt that I am some sort of a heartless robot who can’t console anyone over their loss, knew what it meant to be broke as a joke, visited some more parts of Germany and Barcelona, cut out a few toxic people out of my life, and finally come to terms with my comical social anxiety and anti-social behavior. Oh I also apparently packed a few more pounds than I care to admit and am near the end of my Masters, which in turn will open another chapter in my life. Guess that is all I did that was of importance this year… Now that I think about it, it really wasn’t that great of a year for me mentally, physically or emotionally but to blame it on some arbitrary time the Earth takes to revolves around the Sun would be stupid… In the end, everything went to shit due to Trump or myself, can’t really figure out which yet…