Archive for the Funny Category

The Story of My Amazing Lucky Day =D

Posted in Funny on November 2, 2012 by Dev!l

It’s not my thing to blab on about my day or talk how things go in my daily life. What I feel and experience is often for my eyes and senses only, for the rest of the world it’s just an elaborate ruse… only showcasing what needs to be shown. But every now and then there comes a day in my life that quite frankly is so hilariously charming and full of “luck” that I must share it with the people who bother to read all this jargon in hopes that they will manage a chuckle out of the whole event.

Yesterday was one of those days. To be honest, I wasn’t really in a well off position emotionally but quite frankly that is none of anyone’s business. Anyhow, I woke up and felt the dire need to just go back under the blanket and stay there but alas my wish was not to be. My mother soon came up and handed me a cheque for me to cash and deposit in her account. After much deliberate lazy acting I convinced her that I would only cash the cheque and would submit the amount in her account later, for the mean while she could use my account. With that I went under the sheets again, only to wake up 10 minutes before my class. I quickly rushed around changing, washing, brushing and ran out of the house towards my university. Alas, the class wasn’t meant to be mine and as a rule of thumb of not entering a class 15 minutes late ever I soon found myself heading towards the bank instead as a half hour had passed.

As I handed the cashier the cheque, he made a face that you see when you hand someone their death sentence. After some mumbling he asked me for a copy of my id card. I didn’t have one and the bank being so generous in its customer service was kind enough to redirect me to the nearest photocopier. I had another class coming up soon so I rushed to the photocopier 300-500 m away and back and once again handed him the cheque. This time the cashier got up, went to one of his seniors and after some whispering came back and handed me the cheque back saying, “Sorry, the cheque belongs to a company and needs the official stamp of the company which you’ve forgotten so we can’t cash you the cheque.” For once I knew why they kept armed guards outside of banks ‘cuz if there wasn’t one believe me that cashier would have had his head broken.

Anyhow, there was no time for sweet nothings so I just picked the cheque and ran towards my department for my class. By now, my body had just given up and I soon found myself my teacher singing me a lullaby and me dozing off while sitting in the front row. After a refreshing nap, I came to know that the teacher had changed and the last lecture was almost over. “Oh joy, finally I would get to go out with my friends for something to eat.”

Well, we don’t usually go out to eat everyday but somehow we all had a plan to have a get together and just let loose. An hour passed, everyone came but the guy who had set up the plan. So we being the genuine friends we are called him asking him kindly where he was only to find out he was in the hospital since his brother was bit by – I kid you not –  a monkey!

Long story short, one and a half hour later we found ourselves in a restaurant. We ordered russian salad, burgers and fried chicken. The salad came first and looked somewhat creamier than Russian salads but since it wasn’t really a gourmet restaurant we decided to let it pass. As we put the spoons of salad in our mouths we all found ourselves tasting the distinct taste of spiced noodles. Apparently, it was a mixed salad in which the expert chef had mixed all kinds of spicy and cream salads. It was a regular fiesta of sweet, sour and spices combined… So instead of battling with the salad anymore we decided to turn our attention towards the main course. Ah the main course, how charmingly tasty it was. Uncooked fried chicken which oozed water when you tried to eat it along with burgers that made apparently seemed to be made out of the same recipe as crackers.

After such an amazing dinner, one friend suggested to have coffee from MacDonald’s. Ah, I would describe the whole thing in detail but then I would have to use some language that isn’t really age appropriate. In short, the black coffee of MacDonald smelled of rotten plastic dipped in coffee while it tasted like someone had thrown one coffee bean in a jar of water. Such amazing coffee, I am still smacking my lips thinking about it.

You know for most the night would just end there but it was not to be so for me and 3 of my friends. 2 of them were on bikes while I and f were in f’s car (yes, that expression would come in pretty handy later… f the car). Since, there was a CNG shortage f fueled up his car with petrol only to find it giving out too much smoke from the rear. He shifted back to CNG and started driving again. We decided to go back to his place instead as the car just didn’t seem right and we could smell petrol every time we tried to convert the car from CNG to petrol. After a little driving f declared that perhaps he had turned both the fuel gauges on causing the engine to overrev due to twin fuels decided to convert the car back to petrol. We barely drove ten minutes till we met a red light. F turned to me and said, “Waleed, look at the fuel indicator, it is dropping quite fast.”

“Hmm, yea and I smell fue…”

Boom, the car’s engine literally gave out a loud bang as the cars bonnet’s first lock (out of the two) was shattered and flames sprung up from under the bonnet.

“Get out! NOW” I heard F yell as he turned off the car, opened the door and quickly got out.

I somehow was very numbly calm to the whole thing and slowly got out which on my part I agree was still kind of stupid but my logic was simple as one blast had already happened there wasn’t a chance that the engine would blow up again. People had gathered as the flames grew more aggressive burning the engine region of the car. Some nearby shopkeepers started to throw water at the car only to find that the car’s fire was caused by leakage of petrol and saw it spread wherever the petrol went. You know to most people this is a signal to stop throwing water, since there is a battery in the car and you really can’t stop a fuel fire with water but would they listen? No… F called his brother and our 2 bike friends also caught up to us. At this time there was nothing we could but see the flames engulf the engine of the car. One of my friends went up and opened the bonnet of the car completely with a cloth while I took out our stuff from the back seat of the car.

All this time passerby’s couldn’t help but stop their cars and enquire what had happened and comment on how we should put the fire out… Seriously that was a big help, here I was thinking of having a BBQ on that fire… Then there were people who were asking us to throw water on the car as well… the only problem being that the only thing we could use to throw water on the car was our hands while the shopkeepers had big 10-20 liter gallon bottles… Maybe we should had peed on the car… that might have had helped… MORONS!

Nearly 20 minutes had passed in this whole ordeal when suddenly we remembered that even though the car was on petrol we hadn’t bothered to switch off the CNG cylinder in the back of the car from its head. As one of my friends did that with a spanner we couldn’t help but hear the constant cries of a beggar nearby who kept saying, “It’s alright, no one was hurt… You should give Sadqa of their/your lives to me” Honestly, amazing!

Well, almost 35 minutes later, things calmed down and we pushed the car to my friend’s home. We sat at my friend’s home for two hours and on my way back I couldn’t help but laugh as I found that my tennis elbow was acting up again.

So yea, apparently it was truly a memorable day for me which saw me go through all sorts of ordeals and have a bundle of “wondrous, unsolicited joy”… So the next time you say, you’re having a bad day… PLEASE RECONSIDER, as it can always get worse! 😛

The Scientist

Posted in Funny, Stories. on August 11, 2012 by Dev!l

Writer’s Note: This post is written in utter humor and aims to be different than all the other stupid love stories out there but does borrow the same old plot. So, here is something old in a new dress =D

He gazed upon her picture; all data suggested that this was a mental illness. There was no way anyone alive could secrete this much Serotonin whenever she was near. All of his precious science just melted away whenever she smiled and the laws of entropy just didn’t seem to matter as, “how could something so beautiful lead to the disorder of anything?” He always felt so massless even though his particles in reality interacted with the Higgs field in a natural manner.  He was astonished at the fact at how he felt so empty when she wasn’t around even though his mass remained constant. He never could explain the anomalies of how she could bend his space time continuum even though she never violated any axioms of the general theory of Relativity.

“Perhaps Einstein was wrong after all? NO! You have become insane.” He argued with himself as always. The science of his condition was just absurd. No man stuck in the Minowski coordinates could explain his conundrum yet it was there. “Perhaps String theory is right and these are the works of forces that appeared stronger in the compactification of the extra dimensions or maybe there are some extra forces?” he couldn’t help but laugh at the stupidity of his argument as he knew there were only 4 forces of nature and none of them could account for his behavior.

“Perhaps it is time to accept that you are in something us commoners refer to as ‘love’?” His friends repeatedly asked him but he just couldn’t accept their logic. If literature was right, all these problems arise from the heart but the heart did nothing but pump blood. How can an organ that could be replaced by a pump based on simple mechanical laws could be so troublesome to give the feeling that it hurt. He couldn’t answer for he was not a biologist. Perhaps Feynman had something or Einstein or Dirac… he searched helplessly in his books but found only the universal language of mathematics open for interpretation and significance. If everything could be expressed in formulas, why was he failing to express her significance to him?

Anything could be the centre of the universe, even he but why was it that she was the only point that truly was the centre of the universe for him? If the choice of axis was arbitrary, why was it that she was the origin of all of his actions? Perhaps he was an extra terrestrial life form, from a planet whose physics was somewhat different than of those on this planet?  But Drake’s Equation nullified even this, the wildest of his hypothesis.

He had to tell her, “Perhaps she might have a solution.” He approached her ever so cautiously that day and explained his anomalous behavior which sounded much more complex than that of water when he was in 8th grade.

She first smiled then looked at him with eyes of sorrow. “You are in love with me but I’m afraid that we can’t be together as I have my commitments to follow. I love you as well but reality and logic negate our co-existence in the same habitat. Perhaps if this were a story…”

His brain paralyzed and for the first time since he was 4, he couldn’t comprehend what the other person was speaking of. His neurons sent sharp signals of pain and his flight or flee instinct was urging him to run… run far away and never look back but gravity was pulling him towards itself with a force stronger than usual. He smiled weakly; the laws of the world were slowly coming back to him. No longer was the entropy of his state remained constant but it had started to change with time. He knew that things would change soon and smiled more. For the first time ever, he had became a believer of the multiple universe theories, just on the hope that by shooting himself to bits he had given another him in a parallel universe immense happiness with her saying yes. For the first time in his life, for that single moment in time, he believed in fairy tales and happy ever after endings for they at least existed in his imagination in that split second.

His smile broadened, he ran his hand through his hair messing them up and said with a cheerful and teasing voice, “Hey, no big deal. So, what’s up? What’s the name of the other commitments? Jack? Mike?”

But deep down he was still stuck in a universe with its space time curvature bending around a single singularity point; her. Perhaps someday that black hole would collapse and he could finally start rebuilding from the ashes… He knew it was only a matter of time but he also knew that this singularity and its cosmic back radiation would exist forever. He knew he would move on eventually but the desire to be at the event horizon of this black hole would always be unique and more powerful than anything else…

Types of Girlfriends Part I

Posted in Articles, Funny with tags , , , on December 3, 2011 by Dev!l

Well, it’s been some time since I wrote about types of boyfriends. Now, as all of you who know me, do know that I am kind of a misogamist so therefore I present to you, “Types of Girlfriends.”

The Psycho

This type of girlfriend is one of the most dangerous one out there. She is the kind who will act all cool if you are talking to another girl only for you to find her in a video on YouTube titled, “Catfight!!!”. This type of girlfriend is so  much fun to hang out with, that the only reason that keeps you coming back is the fear of the safety of your own limbs, how wonderfully romantic.

The Romantic

Unlike the mythical type of romantic boyfriends out there, romantic girlfriends do exist. They are so amazing that the only thing that would occupy their mind 24/7 would be cuddling or sweet talking. Oh, how I pray to the Lord each day for such a girl and how I envy the guys with such girlfriends… If you are such a guy, please I beg you marry that whackjob of a girl and keep other guys safe!

The Gluer

This type of girlfriend is one of the most common type of girlfriend out there. The only thing that will separate her from her boyfriend would be a 12 hour surgery. If she can’t be there in person, she would demand that her guy keeps texting her. Going in a relation with such a girl is like being reborn with a Siamese twin… Not even the privacy of the toilet would be enough for you, ever again….

The Talker

This type of girlfriend gets on my nerves the most. She is the girl who just won’t shut her mouth. It’s like having a thousand crows, singing their beautiful songs in your ear all day long. The downside? There is none! Well other than the fact that you will get envious of deaf people.

The Anorexic

Due to the recent popularity of skeletons in our fashion industry this type of girlfriends are becoming common every day. The only thing more pleasing and charming than their money saving ways on dates is their constant query to their boyfriends, “Do I look fat?” I really don’t know anything what’s more appealing, the fact that they can give Gandhi a run for his money in hunger strikes or the fact that they think skeletons look fat.

The Dumbbell

Usually this type of girlfriends is associated with blondes but believe me, they exist in every race! With the brain power to put a brain dead hamster to shame, they continue to impress boys with their charming stupidity and carrying a sign, “I’m easy!” The only thing that makes them anymore of an abomination on this planet is the fact that they believe they are the prettiest girl on the planet and the whole world should worship them for their hard work in looking oh so beautiful.

The Mullah

Oh, don’t be fooled by the name. This type of girlfriends are the ones who are often found in veils and doing everything in accordance to the commandments of their religion… They are so religious and pious that they full fill the order of wearing veils to the letter and often forget to wear anything else underneath the veil other than miniskirts, sleeveless, skin tight shirts etc. You know what the religious people wore in ye olden times. They are often found addressing their boyfriends to also follow the “religious” ways while they are not busy making out with them. (Disclaimer: Not all girls who wear veils are like this.)

Mera Ujra Chaman

Posted in Funny with tags , , , , on November 16, 2011 by Dev!l

Kehtay hain jab gedar ki maut ati hai tou who shehar ka rukh kerta hai, meri jo maut ayi tou menay apany dostun kay sath aik nayi (Aey Khuda, meri us hairdresser ki shaan mein yeh gustakhi maaf farmain) ki dukan ka rukh kiya. Jis tarah logun kay family doctor hotay hain usi tarah mera family nayi tha, per is dafa jo dost sath milay tou menay us ko dhoka diya aur aik naye, stylish, nayi hairdresser ki dukaan mein ja ghusa.

Dukaan mein ghustay hi yeh guman hua kay jesay mein aik nayi duniya mein hi ja ghusa hun. Meray samnay hi aik khalayi makhlooq ka bhoot kursi per betha thi. Mein abhi bhagnay ka soch hi raha tha kay who bhoot bolna shru hua. Us ki awaz sun ker meri jaan mein jaan ayi aur maloom hua kay yeh koi bhoot shoot nae balkay aik 40 saal kay hazrat thay jo kay do minute mein ho rahay thay, “gori gori”.

Kher, aik mod scot sa naujwan utha aur mujhe dekhtay hue aik kursi ki taraf ishara kiya. Menay bechargi say aik bar apnay dostun ki taraf dekha aur phir us khoofnak kursi ki taraf. Ahistagi say chalta hua jab mein us kursi per bheta tou tab mujhe pata chala kay barqi kursi per bhettay hue aik mujrim ko kesa ahsaas hota hai.

Aap mein say bohat log meri is mushaibat ko aik mazaaq samajh rahay hun gay per sachai yehi hai kay mujhe nayiun say nafrat si hai. Us ki wajah sirf yeh hai kay keenchi kay sath sath un ka muun bhi chalna band nae hota aur mujh jesay khamoosh tibh insaan kay liye yeh nakabal e bardasht hai. Kher, us nayi nay aik minute kay under meray galay per 2 tissue rakhay aur us kay gird aik kapra aesay zoor say bandh dala jesay kay gaye ko zibah kertay waqt us ki tango per rasi bandhi jati hai. Is mauqay per meray zehen main aik purani hindi film ka dialogue, “Thakkur tou gayu” aesa ghoom raha tha jesay kay mein hi who thakkur tha… Kher un bhai nay meray balun per pani kay chirkay dalay aur un kay upper 3 larkiyon wali chimtiyan si laga dalin aur mein usay kuch na bol paya.

“Ap kesa istyl banwana chahain gay bro?” Us nay aik naram say lehjay mein pucha jesay kay who meri bechargi ka mazaak ura raha ho.

“Ganj karo ji iski, kanghi tou isnay karni nae hoti behtreen rahay gi.” aik dost bol utha

“Oh nae oye, Mister T ka hair style bana dalo aj.” Aik aur sada uthi

“Mazak na karo, style choro aur is kay baal neelay rang dalo.” Teesray dost nay bhi apni raye ka izhar kiya.

Is say pehlay kay nayi un ki kisi bhi raye ko sanjeeda layta mein jaldi say bol utha, “Bhai ap “istaylist” ho jo style ap ko pasand aye bana dalo.”

Us ka yeh sunna hi tha kay us kay hath start ho gaye aur who merai kalmun kay pass walay balun mein kenchiyan marna shru ho gaya. Ji menay bilkul baja kaha, who mera sar mein kenchi is tarah mar raha tha jesay kay aik pagal vehsi filmun mein apnay masoom target ko chaku say bar bar marta hai. Farak sirf itna tha kay in bhai ka nishana bar abr chook raha tha aur meray baal shaheed ho rahay thay. Thori dair baad us ka haat ruk gaya.

Kaya mera drauna khuwab aik aikhtamam ko pohanch gaya tha? Nahin… Ab usnay meray sar kay beech kay balun ka khoon kernay ka soch lyia tha. Mein soch hi raha tha kay in balun kay sath who kesay ziadti keray ga kay meray sawal ka jawab mujhe samnay sheeshay mein nazar agaya… Us nay meray kuch balun ko pakar kar aik chori chutya si banayi aur us ko ka sira kat ker apni ungli per rakh ker meri ankhun kay samnay aesay pesh kiya jesay puranay zumanun mein badshahun kay samnay un kay dusmanun kay sar paish kiye jatay thay. Shayad who mujh say is kartab kay badlay koi bakshish cha raha tha.

“Bhai mujhe pata hai ap meray hi baal kaat rahay ho parusiyon kay nae.” Mein akhir kar bol utha.

“Oh nae brother, yeh tou ap ko length dekha raha hun.” Us nay aesay hans ker jawab diya jesay kay mein say bewaqoof admi us nay aj tak nae dekh tah.

“Nae shukriya menay nae dekhni.”

Us kay baad us nay kher ungli per baal rakh ker tou na dakhaye albata chutiyan banana band na ki aur balun ko us tarah katta chala gaya. Akhir kar 20 minute kay tashadud kay baad us nay apnay hath rok liye. Meray khayal say who ab thak chukka tha lehaza us nay meray “haircut” ko “done” karar diya. Menay apnay sar ki taraf dekha tou bus dekhta hi chala gaya… Meray sar kay beech mein say baal aesay kharay thay jesay kisi nay un mein phatakha phora ho aura gay say aesay bhethay thay jesay kay puranay waqtun mein mayein apnay laal neelay peelun kay baal teel say chopar ker bhetati thin.

“Boss check karo, latest fashion hai.” Who fakhriya lehjay mein aesay bola jesay kay pani pat ki jang jeet ker araha ho.

“Bhai ap ko kaha tha koi aesa istyl banana jis ko kanghi na kerni paray.” Mera dost meray chehray kay tasurat ko bhamptay hue bol utha.

“No problem bro. yeh istyl beghair kanghi kay banay ga fikar not.”

Mein marta kaya na karta ahistagi say us ki han mein han malayi aur kursi say uth para. Mera khayal tha kay meray upper zulm ki inteha guzar chuki thi per afsoos aesa na tha. Meinay jab us say is “istyl” kay naam per mazaq kay pesay puchay tou won apnay 32 dant dekha kar baray aram say bola, “Bus bhai 250 rupaye.”

Ager ap mein say kisi ko andaza nae tou, aik acha nayi balun ki hajamat kay sirf 130-150 rupaye layta hai per yeh sahib nay tou kamal hi ker dala. 4 angrezi kay alfaz bol ker, 2 chutiyan bana ker, puthi puthi kenchiyan mar ker tou 250 aesay mang liye jesay kay bara sawab ka kaam kar dala ho. Menay ahistagi say aah bhari aur us kay hath mein pesay rakhta hua dukaan say muun hi muun mein wahiyat bakta hua nikal para.

Aray han… who jo uska “beghair kanghi kay ban nay wala hair istyl” tha na, who aj tak mujh say kanghi kay beghair kaya kanghi kay sath nae ban paya. Bus meray dil say tou yehi shair nikalta hai ab

“Hazarun saal nargis apni bay nori pay roti hai

Bari mushkil say hota hai chaman mein deedahwar paida”

Types of Boyfriends II

Posted in Funny with tags on October 16, 2011 by Dev!l

The Despo

This type of boyfriend is more common that I want them to be (yes the world revolves around me darling, now get lost). This is the type that just always has to be in a relationship. It’s a necessity, apart from that many of them get committed not for psychological gains but for physical ones. Yes, he’s that kind of the boyfriend who would be there when you cry just because you are an easy target to get physical with. See such a sweet boyfriend he is. Speaking of sweet, they are also the creative geniuses who use original nicknames like baby, darling etc in their every sentence. I only wish I was this original and creative..
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The Restrictor

Oh he is a hunk you all ladies know… Still confused? Let me give you a hint, “Who was that?”, “I don’t want you to talk to that guy again!”, “Don’t eat junk food.”  “Will you stop watching porn?” (Oh wait sorry did I reveal your secret? My bad.) Yes he is that kind who thinks he is so awesome and perfect that he owns the girl he is dating. Anything she does must first be presented before him, for approval. OMG, how masculine he is… Makes me just want to barf all over the girl who takes that crap.

The Romantic

This is the best type of boyfriend out there. Every girl dreams about this knight in shining armor, riding on a mule and rushing to woo her off her feet just so she can get the feeling that she is oh so slim. He is the guy who would sing Shakespeare just so his girl can go all “ahhh”. Oh there is just one little, tiny detail about him that I forgot to mention: He doesn’t exist.

The Dude

Yo, this is the most “Mummy Daddy Kid” out there. A girlfriend is more of a status symbol for her rather than someone to share his time and life with. Yes, he is the type who wears Levi’s jeans, Ray ban shades and carries a Versace wallet making peace signs with his hands acting like the “coolest” loser on earth. Ah, the irony of the fact is that girls actually like this kind for their epic coolness… Seriously I know how cool it is to wear shades at night, but you know what would be more cooler? Holding a white stick while wearing the shades!

The Gifted

Oh yes, these type of men think they are God’s gift to women and must share their wealth with the whole womanhood. They think they are the sole incarnation of Romeo, Shakespeare just forgot to mention them as the inspiration. To them cheating on a girl is oh so natural, just like picking their nose in public and thinking it’s sexy. All I can say to them is, “Please, do me a favor and buy something known as a mirror. Thank you.”

The Hangouter

This type of a boyfriend has a girlfriend for God knows what reason. They are the ones that hang out with their friends all day long, having fun. The only private time their girlfriends can get with them is the brief moment in which they make up an excuse why they can’t talk to her. They are like glorious, rich mice which are found at every café you can imagine. Seriously, if you are dating such a guy my advice is getting a brain transplant asap, thank you.

The Gay

Oh this is the best kind of boyfriends out there. They aren’t gay or homosexual but frankly when trouble comes they run away faster than a speeding bullet… Just in the opposite direction. They for some reason just love rainbow colors along with bright colors. Yes, I am sure they aren’t gay. They would discuss every romantic chick flick with you and their cell phones would always have wallpapers of love and being together. They love long walks and to give more compliments to their guy friends than to the girl they are dating… YES GOD DAMN IT, THEY AREN’T GAY AND I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD NOW BOW DOWN TO ME!

Types of Boyfriends Part-I

Posted in Funny with tags , , on October 12, 2011 by Dev!l

Types of boyfriends… Well, there are a lot of boyfriends but wait some jerk is right now rushing to the comment box to type, “But you are a guy, how can you know different types of boyfriends? FAKE” Ok, now that nimrod is done blabbering, there are a lot of boyfriends. I know about them because fortunately I have been blessed with something known as a brain and the power to actually see something other than myself. Below are some of the types of boyfriends out there. The next part would be uploaded after this.

The Showoff:

Usually, these types of boyfriends are of two types. One: who are rich and show off and generally tend to put on a price tag on everything. Such as, “OMG check out this watch, it’s a genuine Seiko. It cost me about 50000 rupees.” Or “Like the shirt? It’s branded. Cost me only about 2000 rupees.” No one asked you, peanut for brains. These people are shallow, materialistic morons whose only purpose in life is to show off. Seriously, Mr. Richie Rich no one gives a damn so please put your foot where it belongs!

The second type is the one who loves to show off their links and power. Their common catch phrase is, “Larna hai? Pump per aja phir.” Or “Baby if anyone teases you just tell me, Me and my boys will take care of it.” Yes, how manly. Just what every girl needs: a constant reminder that their boy friend is a muscle head moron who just wishes to show off their power. Oh and if you ever tell him to fight for you, it would turn out the person you wanted beat up is a long lost friend of his. So, yea good luck with that manly piece of hunk junk.

The Leech

This type of boyfriend is pretty common in all societies and walks of life. His trademark lines are, “Hey baby, can you send me some balance?” They can often be found poaching off of girls in diners, cafés, restaurants etc.

Girl: “Hey free tomorrow?”

The Leech: “No, I have this important assignment I have to give which if I don’t give would lead to me to failing the class.”

Girl: “Aw… I wanted to give a treat”

The Leech: “You know what baby, you are much more important than any assignment. What time?”

Me: Aw isn’t that sweet if you’re a brain paralyzed numb nuts now GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF YOU EFFING CHEAPSTAKE!

The Know-It-All

Ah yes, the Mr. know it all: the guy who has all the solutions in the world and would give them irrespective of the fact whether you want his opinion or not. He is the guy who would be giving you advice on what you should wear and what girlish things are in and what are not. He would also give solutions for every girly problem that you may encounter. As no one else is willing to listen to his crap he must brush off his wisdom even if they are of things he has no idea about. Well, in short he acts like a former she… If you know what I mean.  Seriously, if your girlfriend wanted your opinion she would beat it out of you, Confucius. SO JUST SHUT UP!

The Gamer

The gamer… The guy who loves gaming so much that a girl friend is just a break he needs when he gets tired of gaming. The only reason he talks to his girl is because he is either tired of gaming or he is stuck somewhere in a game and must connect to the internet to look up the walkthrough. He is a master of evasion with brilliant excuses like, “Hey gotta go Mum’s calling.” Or “Hey I gotta go make an assignment.” Etc etc. He can simply be explained by the following dialogue

Boy: I miss you, baby.

Girl: Your xbox broke didn’t it?

Boy: yes…

The Emo

Oh yes, the most amazing piece of garbage oh I mean boyfriend out there. The amazing whack job who loves to be all goth like on everything that doesn’t go his way. “What you aren’t coming on my birthday and actually have a life and responsibilities other than me? I AM COMMITTING SUICIDE!” Or “What you can’t call me tonight? I AM NOT SLEEPING THE WHOLE NIGHT AND AM GOING TO MISSCALL YOU TILL DAWN!” Seriously, these type of boyfriends should really stop littering the world of their awesomeness and just take a knife put it to their neck and get it over with. It would be a huge favor to all of us, thank you.

The Gossip Girl

Oh don’t be confused by the name. This is a type of a boyfriend. These types of boyfriends are usually the ones who must share everything they do, or every problem they face in a relation with everyone but the girl they are dating. On top of that they must keep mentioning things like, “OMG yar, my gf doesn’t understand me the way you guys do.” Well only if there was a solution to this… Oh wait how about if you would stop bitching about your problems with your friends and talk about it with your girl friend perhaps she will understand you better, you moron. Seriously, NASA called they want to see you; the brain dead idiot now.

My Physical Defects

Posted in Funny with tags , on October 9, 2011 by Dev!l

Writer’s Note: Just another random note. If it bades well I guess I will do another one on my mental defects. =P

Well, I am back to whine. Yes, just when you think I have nothing more to whine about I come out to prove you wrong! Today, the topic was suggested to me by a friend by pointing different physical defects in me. That is when I realized OMG, I have so many of them, and therefore I must whine about them!

Well the first thing to remember is this is all in pure fun and yea lots of would be like, “They are only there because you don’t take care of yourself etc etc…” So before you start on that road, let me tell you I don’t really care. The only part of me I care about I preserve with all my being. No, please don’t have a dirty mind I am talking about my brain. 😛

Anyhow my physical defects… Well let’s start from the top shall we? My hair… yes, my glorious silver hair! I am only 21 years old and I have white hair that can put middle aged men to shame. (If white hair signified experience then I would be one of the most experienced and wisest people of my age to tread this earth.) Moving on, my eyesight is weak (of course that one was my fault! But still I like to believe that it runs in the family :P. Oh and I know what you are going to say and the answer is, yes I have four eyes. Oh how original your jokes are… Now please go buy a joke book). I have a sinuses problem along with the fact that the holes in my ear are smaller than they should be which may cause some hearing problems if my ears aren’t properly cleaned. (As pointed out to me during an extensive army medical test… That’s a long story nvm). Well many of you would think that would be enough to cover my face, well sir/madam you are utterly wrong! Next on the list come my teeth. Yes, you guessed it, I have sensitive teeth! I can’t eat anything hot or cold and for someone who only loves ice cream in desserts that really sucks! I also have a gum problem due to which in my childhood I had a real tough time growing my molar teeth. Something which my dentist really loved and as a child I did too up to some extent. I mean free ice cream after every visit, hallelujah.

Alright, moving on as I already whined about the fact that I am skinny you would think that would be enough about my body but no. I have so many other disorders that it’s not even funny. Firstly, I have weak elbows. By weak elbows I mean that if I ever lift anything heavy with them or keep them bended for long I get “golfers elbow” in one elbow and a “tennis elbow” in the other. (If you don’t know what they are… well, neither do I. 😛 all I know is they hurt like hell so yea.) Moving on, I have a real sensitive stomach that gets digestive problems on the slightest taste of spicy food or unprocessed water. People whine about how sometimes their stomach gets upset but I whine about how stomach my stomach gets well and functions normally.

I get random aches in my legs which often result in me getting cranky. Speaking of the lower body, I have big feet. No I am not related to big foot in any way, it’s just that in my country my foot size is not normal and as a result I have to wear international brand of shoes. Seriously, stupid money hungry local brands x.x.

Well you think these would be all of them don’t you. WRONG AGAIN! Now, I move on to my weird sleeping patterns! I must sleep in certain time patterns or I get stupid headaches. I must sleep 6 or 8 or 10 or 12 hours. If I sleep any less or any more I get headaches. And to top of it all, the icing on the cake is I am very clumsy! I have the magical ability to fall on my own feet on flat land with no obstacle or hurdle in sight! My father calls it my “talent”. Of course, bumping my head into things while walking is another story entirely.

So yea, these are some of my faults. I said some because these were the only ones I could think up right now. There are so many others that I just skimmed or skipped past as getting into them is just stupid or I just don’t consider them important anymore.