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2017 and I

Posted in Uncategorized on December 29, 2017 by Dev!l

It has been such a long time since I last wrote something to let my inner anguish out, to give the inner me a voice. No, I have not turned into some edgy teen who is blogging in 2017 while sipping coffee in a starbucks, rather I just want to let a few things out.

It’s rather funny how what was once a hobby, an escape of mine has faded from my life. Guess I had found the one person in my life who was able to make all the voices in my head go quiet for once. I know, I have used the past tense, because as all good things in my life, I managed to screw things up. I can sit here and spend days dissecting every wrong move I or the people around me made which led to this point but at the end of the day, none of that really matters. The only thing that does matter is that the voices in my head are back. I would be lying if I were to say that they weren’t missed but that’s the terrible truth about peace, once you get a taste of it, you get addicted. Even though, those voices made me who I am and defined me, I would gladly trade them away in a heartbeat for a taste of that nirvana I once had.

Before you get curious, no I haven’t had the time to paint my nails black, even though I must admit I am giving vent to what is inside my head at 5 in the morning while sitting in the dark. But hey, that doesn’t really mean anything. Do I feel sad? Yes, but isn’t that human nature? To mourn a loss of something that was dear to you? Like all things in life, these feelings will too pass and hopefully make me a better person in the process. If not, well at least I can get a few laughs by being cynical for my entire life, not that I was ever a ray of sunshine to begin with.

You know, that being said, I did get to learn a lot. I did get to learn that I have an astonishingly amazing life ahead of me as a hip and happening physicist as well as I may be suffering from Deer Fever, AIDs or Menopause, thanks WebMD and Google. Jokes and sarcasm aside, I have learned who I am as a person an what are my faults. I do try to work on them actively but there are some rare times, mostly from Mondays 00:01 to Sundays 23:58, when the lazy me wins and I just lie in my bed staring at a computer screen. Which in my defense, does have some of the best comedies running on it.

I know, it all sounds very bleak and sad but it’s rather fun to be alone in a sea of people in some ways and be low key mad at everyone for doing the slightest of things that annoys you, for example breathing or having self importance. I mean, sure I can technically build sort of a death ray if I put my mind to it but honestly I just lack the funds. Also, as I have found out from first hand experience, building unheard of things in a scientific way requires a lot of patience, trial and error, money, and hard work. So, I think I would rather just watch rerun of Friends or Scrubs or something of the sort. Besides, knowing me, I would rather write a 1000 word essay on things no one cares about or would ever read than to finish writing my thesis. Which in turn is a good indication that the documentation for the whole project would be a pain in the ass. Also, I would have to interact with actual people in order to get my death ray off of the ground, which in retrospect would defeat the whole purpose.

Now that I have re-read everything I have just jotted down, it doesn’t really make much sense. It rather seems like a bleak cry for attention rather than the ramblings of someone looking to give himself a voice. Trust me, it’s the latter and before anyone gets concerned no, you can not refer to me as Edgelord Extraordinaire, as awesome as it may sound. Everyone just deals with things in their own way, and my way apparently, is just being an ass about it, as always.

I guess in the end I should technically do an year end review as well since it is the end of the year 2017… Well, this year I went back to Pakistan, fell deeper in love, saw my relationship blow up into smithereens (Wile E. Coyote style), broke fingers in both of my hands simultaneously while getting a small scar over my eyebrow (unfortunately, no cool story to pick up chicks there), met the person I loved, learnt that I am some sort of a heartless robot who can’t console anyone over their loss, knew what it meant to be broke as a joke, visited some more parts of Germany and Barcelona, cut out a few toxic people out of my life, and finally come to terms with my comical social anxiety and anti-social behavior. Oh I also apparently packed a few more pounds than I care to admit and am near the end of my Masters, which in turn will open another chapter in my life. Guess that is all I did that was of importance this year… Now that I think about it, it really wasn’t that great of a year for me mentally, physically or emotionally but to blame it on some arbitrary time the Earth takes to revolves around the Sun would be stupid… In the end, everything went to shit due to Trump or myself, can’t really figure out which yet…

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The Life of an Addict

Posted in Uncategorized on January 3, 2016 by Dev!l

He quietly sat in the dark, at long last free from the frivolities of the day. There wasn’t a soul that was awake at this ungodly hour and you could almost hear the calm, chilled fog setting outside. Finally he was free to get the fix he had been craving all day, he hated being sober but he had no other choice. It was time for him to let go of the worries of his wretched existence and dive into a realm whose existence was only understood and appreciated by drug addicts and people who were dubbed insane by society. Funnily enough, he was a combination of both as his hallucinogenic of choice was rather unconventional and his method of overdosing was somewhat unorthodox.

As soon as the light from the hallucinogenic of his choice hit his face, his grim, serious look was immediately replaced by a smile. Funny inventions, these smart phones; for some they provided a way of communication, for others a way of entertainment. Yet, for him, his particular phone contained the drug he sought. It was riddled with pictures of her… The smile on his face slowly broadened as he slowly swiped past her past pictures, and tried to remember the smallest of details of the conversation they had when the photographs were exchanged. As the gallery was about to come to an end, he sighed exhaustingly, infuriated with himself. He hated how in the hustle of life, he always forgot to tell her how beautiful she truly was. He just loathed how he was often so preoccupied with the thought of “acting sober” that it led him to not appreciate what, in his view, was one of the Lord’s best handiworks. Oh how he regretted being away from her on these nights. He missed everything about her from the sound of sweet voice to her silly habits to her mischievous smile, he missed it all gravely.

Alas, like all good things, his train of thought was interrupted by the distant clock tower ringing its bells. He took a deep breath as he knew tomorrow was going to be another long day and he needed every bit of energy he could muster to cope with it. He took a long glance at her last, and quite possibly his favorite picture of her as he knew it was time for the last inhale of his cigarette, the last bite of the tastiest of delicacies, or more aptly put, the last sweet shot of cocaine before he fell into a deep slumber for the night. Another 18 hours were left before he could sit back and enjoy the drug of his choice again… There was nothing he wanted more in this world but he knew no one would ever understand an emotion so raw, at least no one sober or in the right state of mind. Perhaps, in a way not even those who divulged into narcotics could understand his addiction for he was different from them too. For you see, unlike them, he did care about the life he was building, he did care about his health, he cared a lot because he wanted to live… he wanted to live just to be able to see her face once again.

An Ode to a Singularity

Posted in Uncategorized on December 24, 2015 by Dev!l

Author’s Note: If the Physics of this sound a bit sketchy to you, trust me it might very well be as these are far more complex things than what I can ever comprehend.

Dear Singularity,

It’s strange, you’re something people dedicate their lives to yet when asked to explain simply stutter away. I never understood that but now that I have met you, I find it hard to define it as well. How can I explain something so ambigious as a singularity? Something so complex, mysterious and baffling that it can drive any man insane. I guess I can’t but I am in a better position to state what you mean to me.

You are the unified field which gives my existence its meaning. The force I feel for you is undoubtedly the fundamental force we have marred eras searching for. To exist in your frame of reference is my dream as no matter how I put it, time always seems to come to a stand still when I am around you. You are the singular observer who has violated Schrodinger’s Cat paradox as no matter when you observe, my states always collapse to one of excitement and bliss.

I know that what I feel may very well be an anomaly that might not hold true for all but I know for a fact that you deserve a love as strong as a black hole. A love as strong as the forces that bind two quarks together inside a hadron. A love that would make you feel like you are the singularity upon which reasons of men fall.

I want to show you that you are the singularity I have searched for and though you may very well obliterate my existence, I don’t care as I will experience a moment of infinity with you. I want to be sucked into the ever consuming event horizon and hope to quench your thirst and radiate energy which will be studied till the end of time. This may sound silly to you, I know but in the end I just want jump in blind, to what may be my own destruction, and give my everything to you. And even though I may not survive, know this that my final moments will be spent with a smile on my face, a smile which would scream of my callous attitude towards what may come after the event horizon.

Regards,

A Mad Scientist

Being an Alien in a Small City

Posted in Uncategorized on November 20, 2014 by Dev!l

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that whenever teachers wanted to teach a foreign language to an alien, they used to send him to a small village where he/she had no choice but to pick up the said language. At least that is what he used to tell me whenever I used to ask him how he came to learn Sindhi. I always used to wonder what it would have felt like to learn something this way; by diving into the deep end of the pool. I mean I’m someone who has always took the safe approach to things, perhaps that’s why I never bothered jumping in the deep end of the pool even after my swimming instructor explicitly asked me to do so, just so I would learn to keep afloat on top of water. Well, ten years have passed since then and now I finally know how it would have felt like if I would had indeed jumped in the deep side of the pool.

It’s been almost a month now and apart from learning a few food names, some pleasantries and the phrase: “Please, can you speak English?” I don’t know a single word of German. For those of you who don’t know, I live in a small city (well to be more precise somewhat of a modernized village, in my view) and people here mostly get by without bothering to learn or speak an ounce of English. Of course, the younger generation does speak English quite well thanks to modern advances in the field of internet but hey, there are always easier ways to be officially charged as a pervert/pedophile.

Now, don’t take any wrong meanings, people in big cities tend to speak English as fluently as Eminem high on caffeine but that’s about it. If you’re anywhere else, you would have a better time finding someone who knows Klingon than of locating someone who would understand a single phrase being uttered from your mouth.

The only bright side is that at least my professors have the courtesy of staying true to the advertisement in the brochures as they teach in fluent English. Which to be honest is quite a surprise considering that the official mode of teaching at many institutions back in Pakistan is English but that’s as funny as a joke containing a priest, a rabi and a mulla walking into a bar naked.

Now, I know that one can learn swimming by jumping in the deep end of the pool but there’s a reason why this method is usually not recommended! The reason being that in the worst case scenario you would end up drowning or worse: pronouncing words like RatHaus (rat house) and Deutsche (Douche) like they would sound in English in front of a German.

Of course, living in a small city does have its advantages such as being able to recognize people by their bus stops or the ability to traverse the entire city boarder on foot within an hour or two but that’s about it.

Since this is a small city, there is not much diversification to speak of. The times when I really feel like seeing something of mixed color, I just make my way down to the local supermarket and stare down the chocolate aisle where the dark chocolates are placed next to the brown and white ones since I know that this is as close to diversification as I’m going to come. However, every now and then, I do tend to meet an occasional dreamer out chasing a unicorn but hey, I have too much dignity to stoop that low.

All in all, it’s not really that bad but then again I would really have had preferred moving to a country whose language I was able to speak. But you know what they say, “Beggars can’t be choosers” and in my case that certainly holds up.

The Randomness Blabbering Continues

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2014 by Dev!l

Life here is somewhat strange. It’s not that the feeling of being alone haunts my very existence, au contraire it’s the feeling of being alienated that’s making me feel bewildered beyond my comfort zone. You have to understand that I have had always took pride in being able to vanish into a sea of people almost seamlessly but here that’s not really possible as I stick out like a wolf in a herd of sheep. No more can I just sit and observe while being invisible. In fact this time around I find myself the subject of scrutinous looks and glares.

That being said, somethings however still haven’t changed as I still find that my behavior is “internationally” considered as eccentric and somewhat of a muse to the people around me. For example just the other day I found myself interacting with a group of girls that I had never had met or for that matter never will meet again in a particularly weird way. Apparently I was just sitting there and laughing at them while they just looked at my friend and me and did the same. The fact that my friend kept calling me nuts didn’t really help the matter. Or the instance when I found myself just jumping and waving goodbye to a stranger in a moving train as he waved back with equal vigor. This really went to show me that no matter who we are, or where we come from, we nonetheless are the same in more ways than we care to admit. Though we still can’t ignore the role that race, creed and our social upbringing plays in making us all but forget that at the end of the day we are nothing but humans.

For me life has just begun but I can’t help but to reflect back and wonder how each wrong turn, each mistake, each major incident in my life has made me who I am. That being said, I still can’t help but feel ripped off as I still have to meet someone who felt a certain elation when given the chance to chase their dreams. Instead, all I have met with are people who still are scared of what they will do when their dreams come crashing down. To be honest, I’m no different from them but I guess that’s where I can take the easy way out and opt out of delineating my express feelings.

All Jumbled Up

Posted in Uncategorized on October 15, 2014 by Dev!l

It’s kind of funny that how once we achieve something that we have chased so long and hard for, we just seem to lose all interest in that certain thing. I guess we all need unattainable goals and plans just to keep a sense of purpose alive. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t really feel any excitement as I uprooted my entire life and shifted to a new city, in a foreign land seeking something I wanted for as long as I remembered. Instead I felt strangely alone and afraid as I stood in a place whose customs, language, and people were unknown to me.

Now, I can just sit here and just fantasize that how great of a trip it had been but to be honest nothing really felt exciting enough. I was just feeling indifferent to everything but the astonishingly a’ la carte quality of airplane food that I had to swallow. Honestly, I still can’t understand how did they make the eggs, sausage and boiled potatoes have the same taste and texture but then again I’m not really a 5 star chef so what do I know.

In any case, I’m setting neatly into my new life here. Apart from the awkwardly obvious language barrier, nothing really seems all that different as I still find people looking at me weirdly (to be honest, this time they have different reasons) or minding their own business. That said, I do miss some things, like the luxury of picking up my phone and calling my friends over just for the heck of it or really being able to talk to other people but I guess for a loner like me it isn’t really all that bad.

In a lot of ways this place is exactly the same as my own country as people here also treat Physics majors with sympathy and shun them to the farthest place available from the main campus so they don’t contaminate the sanity of all the normal students. The campus itself is a ghost town and every now and then if you’re lucky you’ll be able to sight a fellow human being. That’s another case entirely that he/she will be too absorbed in their own equation filled world to notice you. The studies are somewhat the same but then again the night is still young and all the creepy crawlies have yet to emerge from their domains.

While what I have is something that many students would kill to have, I still can’t help but to think that if all of this was worth it. I left a comfortable life, with the promise of a white collar job and a lot of perks and people that I cared about just to work odd jobs and put myself through a grad school which may very well manage to get the best of me and leave me out to dry. But then again, I guess that’s human nature as the grass always seems greener on the other side, no matter how wonderful or shitty of a situation you’re really in.

I know most of these random ramblings make no sense and are very haphazardly jotted down but when one has a cluttered up mind, they just can’t seem to breathe a life into their thoughts and everything just seems way too jumbled up to make sense. In any case, this is just to give a vent to everything inside of me as of this moment and to finally be able to come to terms with new beginnings in life.

Some Jumbled Up Thoughts on People

Posted in Uncategorized on August 6, 2014 by Dev!l

Writer’s Note: It’s been so long that I have written anything worthwhile that I don’t even know where to begin. So just bear with the muddled up thoughts and muses of a jumbled up mind. As for my absence, well I would give an explanation by saying that I was away working on a story or something (though coming up with half a page finalizing the character details and squiggles doesn’t really count) but considering that no one really cares (also that I don’t have many readers) it doesn’t really matter, now does it?

Ever since I was a kid I was dubbed as a bit shy. Perhaps it was attributed to my inability to talk to strangers or the downright fact that I wasn’t very social to begin with. I still remember crying and screaming that I didn’t want to go, every single time that we had to attend a social gathering. Needless to say, it was a battle that I never really won. Though, I still couldn’t help but to try as this was my introvert nature. Of course, back then I didn’t really know the word “introvert” and even to myself I was a weird little kid with a lot of quirks and very little social skills.

Time passed and as I grew older, I got to know a lot of people who were like me. Some were less weird while others just raised the cuckoo bar to a whole another level (that’s another story that somehow I always managed to be the crazy one even to them). Since I was an “adult” now, I had to do a lot of social activities that I never really liked. These activities included attending certain functions which I rather have avoided or being in the charming company of some people who always made me imagine unique and fast ways to kill myself, while keeping a smile on my face and nodding my head.

It was then that I learnt that introverts made for a better company because unlike so many confidence exhumed extroverts, they didn’t really feel they had any right to instruct you on how to live your life. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good advice whenever I can get my hands on one but if you’re a person who’s meeting me for the very first time and you’re telling me what I should do with my life in the next 5 minutes, there is something innately wrong with that marvelous empty noggin of yours. I mean seriously, I never could (still don’t for that matter) understand that why people act like a major know it all. And to be quite honest, that’s saying a lot specially coming from a condescending jackass like me, who often acts like a know it all about various subjects with the people he’s close to. I know that I get on people’s nerves but I always manage to make it up by admitting when I’m wrong (well, most of the time at least). Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m a saint or something but honestly if people are going to act all saintly and go all Buddha on my life, shouldn’t they at least have the courtesy to know me for more than 5 minutes?

If these people weren’t enough, then there are the jackasses who think the fastest way to make someone comfortable is to joke around with them with their oh so sophisticated humor that can even make a 5 year old cringe up and cry for the existence of humanity. I know scientifically speaking, any point in this universe can be taken as its center but I honestly missed the class in which they taught us that we should always take that point to be centered around our existence. Sure, I rather be a bit more social so I don’t have to sit quietly and watch people make total fools (oh I’m sorry, I meant super amazing, awesome geniuses) of themselves and act all high and oh so mighty but every time I make a resolution to do so, people are kind enough to remind me what awaits me on the other side.

Sure, being an introvert sure has its shortcomings. Like for example, I rather spend my time alone than with most people that populate this lonesome planet of ours or things such as my inability to console people or to even take hints, flirt or even to say the right thing at the right time and what not. But I can surely live with all those shortcomings than to stand like a jackass and be the long awaited spawn of Buddha, Confucius and Kant combined. That being said, I don’t hate all extroverts as some of them are quite charming and articulate, and even though I might not always agree with them, I nonetheless respect them. Which is saying a lot considering that in today’s world you hardly run across people who would use the word respect and actually know what it means.

So what was the point of all this, random gibberish? Well, it was to share the point to not to be a jackass. Oh and if by some reason you’re a person who knows me intimately well, I would ask you to stop laughing by now because it’s not the pot calling the kettle black as I’m mostly a jackass is in a totally different scenario.