Archive for the Uncategorized Category

The Life of an Addict

Posted in Uncategorized on January 3, 2016 by Dev!l

He quietly sat in the dark, at long last free from the frivolities of the day. There wasn’t a soul that was awake at this ungodly hour and you could almost hear the calm, chilled fog setting outside. Finally he was free to get the fix he had been craving all day, he hated being sober but he had no other choice. It was time for him to let go of the worries of his wretched existence and dive into a realm whose existence was only understood and appreciated by drug addicts and people who were dubbed insane by society. Funnily enough, he was a combination of both as his hallucinogenic of choice was rather unconventional and his method of overdosing was somewhat unorthodox.

As soon as the light from the hallucinogenic of his choice hit his face, his grim, serious look was immediately replaced by a smile. Funny inventions, these smart phones; for some they provided a way of communication, for others a way of entertainment. Yet, for him, his particular phone contained the drug he sought. It was riddled with pictures of her… The smile on his face slowly broadened as he slowly swiped past her past pictures, and tried to remember the smallest of details of the conversation they had when the photographs were exchanged. As the gallery was about to come to an end, he sighed exhaustingly, infuriated with himself. He hated how in the hustle of life, he always forgot to tell her how beautiful she truly was. He just loathed how he was often so preoccupied with the thought of “acting sober” that it led him to not appreciate what, in his view, was one of the Lord’s best handiworks. Oh how he regretted being away from her on these nights. He missed everything about her from the sound of sweet voice to her silly habits to her mischievous smile, he missed it all gravely.

Alas, like all good things, his train of thought was interrupted by the distant clock tower ringing its bells. He took a deep breath as he knew tomorrow was going to be another long day and he needed every bit of energy he could muster to cope with it. He took a long glance at her last, and quite possibly his favorite picture of her as he knew it was time for the last inhale of his cigarette, the last bite of the tastiest of delicacies, or more aptly put, the last sweet shot of cocaine before he fell into a deep slumber for the night. Another 18 hours were left before he could sit back and enjoy the drug of his choice again… There was nothing he wanted more in this world but he knew no one would ever understand an emotion so raw, at least no one sober or in the right state of mind. Perhaps, in a way not even those who divulged into narcotics could understand his addiction for he was different from them too. For you see, unlike them, he did care about the life he was building, he did care about his health, he cared a lot because he wanted to live… he wanted to live just to be able to see her face once again.


An Ode to a Singularity

Posted in Uncategorized on December 24, 2015 by Dev!l

Author’s Note: If the Physics of this sound a bit sketchy to you, trust me it might very well be as these are far more complex things than what I can ever comprehend.

Dear Singularity,

It’s strange, you’re something people dedicate their lives to yet when asked to explain simply stutter away. I never understood that but now that I have met you, I find it hard to define it as well. How can I explain something so ambigious as a singularity? Something so complex, mysterious and baffling that it can drive any man insane. I guess I can’t but I am in a better position to state what you mean to me.

You are the unified field which gives my existence its meaning. The force I feel for you is undoubtedly the fundamental force we have marred eras searching for. To exist in your frame of reference is my dream as no matter how I put it, time always seems to come to a stand still when I am around you. You are the singular observer who has violated Schrodinger’s Cat paradox as no matter when you observe, my states always collapse to one of excitement and bliss.

I know that what I feel may very well be an anomaly that might not hold true for all but I know for a fact that you deserve a love as strong as a black hole. A love as strong as the forces that bind two quarks together inside a hadron. A love that would make you feel like you are the singularity upon which reasons of men fall.

I want to show you that you are the singularity I have searched for and though you may very well obliterate my existence, I don’t care as I will experience a moment of infinity with you. I want to be sucked into the ever consuming event horizon and hope to quench your thirst and radiate energy which will be studied till the end of time. This may sound silly to you, I know but in the end I just want jump in blind, to what may be my own destruction, and give my everything to you. And even though I may not survive, know this that my final moments will be spent with a smile on my face, a smile which would scream of my callous attitude towards what may come after the event horizon.


A Mad Scientist

Being an Alien in a Small City

Posted in Uncategorized on November 20, 2014 by Dev!l

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that whenever teachers wanted to teach a foreign language to an alien, they used to send him to a small village where he/she had no choice but to pick up the said language. At least that is what he used to tell me whenever I used to ask him how he came to learn Sindhi. I always used to wonder what it would have felt like to learn something this way; by diving into the deep end of the pool. I mean I’m someone who has always took the safe approach to things, perhaps that’s why I never bothered jumping in the deep end of the pool even after my swimming instructor explicitly asked me to do so, just so I would learn to keep afloat on top of water. Well, ten years have passed since then and now I finally know how it would have felt like if I would had indeed jumped in the deep side of the pool.

It’s been almost a month now and apart from learning a few food names, some pleasantries and the phrase: “Please, can you speak English?” I don’t know a single word of German. For those of you who don’t know, I live in a small city (well to be more precise somewhat of a modernized village, in my view) and people here mostly get by without bothering to learn or speak an ounce of English. Of course, the younger generation does speak English quite well thanks to modern advances in the field of internet but hey, there are always easier ways to be officially charged as a pervert/pedophile.

Now, don’t take any wrong meanings, people in big cities tend to speak English as fluently as Eminem high on caffeine but that’s about it. If you’re anywhere else, you would have a better time finding someone who knows Klingon than of locating someone who would understand a single phrase being uttered from your mouth.

The only bright side is that at least my professors have the courtesy of staying true to the advertisement in the brochures as they teach in fluent English. Which to be honest is quite a surprise considering that the official mode of teaching at many institutions back in Pakistan is English but that’s as funny as a joke containing a priest, a rabi and a mulla walking into a bar naked.

Now, I know that one can learn swimming by jumping in the deep end of the pool but there’s a reason why this method is usually not recommended! The reason being that in the worst case scenario you would end up drowning or worse: pronouncing words like RatHaus (rat house) and Deutsche (Douche) like they would sound in English in front of a German.

Of course, living in a small city does have its advantages such as being able to recognize people by their bus stops or the ability to traverse the entire city boarder on foot within an hour or two but that’s about it.

Since this is a small city, there is not much diversification to speak of. The times when I really feel like seeing something of mixed color, I just make my way down to the local supermarket and stare down the chocolate aisle where the dark chocolates are placed next to the brown and white ones since I know that this is as close to diversification as I’m going to come. However, every now and then, I do tend to meet an occasional dreamer out chasing a unicorn but hey, I have too much dignity to stoop that low.

All in all, it’s not really that bad but then again I would really have had preferred moving to a country whose language I was able to speak. But you know what they say, “Beggars can’t be choosers” and in my case that certainly holds up.

The Randomness Blabbering Continues

Posted in Uncategorized on November 3, 2014 by Dev!l

Life here is somewhat strange. It’s not that the feeling of being alone haunts my very existence, au contraire it’s the feeling of being alienated that’s making me feel bewildered beyond my comfort zone. You have to understand that I have had always took pride in being able to vanish into a sea of people almost seamlessly but here that’s not really possible as I stick out like a wolf in a herd of sheep. No more can I just sit and observe while being invisible. In fact this time around I find myself the subject of scrutinous looks and glares.

That being said, somethings however still haven’t changed as I still find that my behavior is “internationally” considered as eccentric and somewhat of a muse to the people around me. For example just the other day I found myself interacting with a group of girls that I had never had met or for that matter never will meet again in a particularly weird way. Apparently I was just sitting there and laughing at them while they just looked at my friend and me and did the same. The fact that my friend kept calling me nuts didn’t really help the matter. Or the instance when I found myself just jumping and waving goodbye to a stranger in a moving train as he waved back with equal vigor. This really went to show me that no matter who we are, or where we come from, we nonetheless are the same in more ways than we care to admit. Though we still can’t ignore the role that race, creed and our social upbringing plays in making us all but forget that at the end of the day we are nothing but humans.

For me life has just begun but I can’t help but to reflect back and wonder how each wrong turn, each mistake, each major incident in my life has made me who I am. That being said, I still can’t help but feel ripped off as I still have to meet someone who felt a certain elation when given the chance to chase their dreams. Instead, all I have met with are people who still are scared of what they will do when their dreams come crashing down. To be honest, I’m no different from them but I guess that’s where I can take the easy way out and opt out of delineating my express feelings.

All Jumbled Up

Posted in Uncategorized on October 15, 2014 by Dev!l

It’s kind of funny that how once we achieve something that we have chased so long and hard for, we just seem to lose all interest in that certain thing. I guess we all need unattainable goals and plans just to keep a sense of purpose alive. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t really feel any excitement as I uprooted my entire life and shifted to a new city, in a foreign land seeking something I wanted for as long as I remembered. Instead I felt strangely alone and afraid as I stood in a place whose customs, language, and people were unknown to me.

Now, I can just sit here and just fantasize that how great of a trip it had been but to be honest nothing really felt exciting enough. I was just feeling indifferent to everything but the astonishingly a’ la carte quality of airplane food that I had to swallow. Honestly, I still can’t understand how did they make the eggs, sausage and boiled potatoes have the same taste and texture but then again I’m not really a 5 star chef so what do I know.

In any case, I’m setting neatly into my new life here. Apart from the awkwardly obvious language barrier, nothing really seems all that different as I still find people looking at me weirdly (to be honest, this time they have different reasons) or minding their own business. That said, I do miss some things, like the luxury of picking up my phone and calling my friends over just for the heck of it or really being able to talk to other people but I guess for a loner like me it isn’t really all that bad.

In a lot of ways this place is exactly the same as my own country as people here also treat Physics majors with sympathy and shun them to the farthest place available from the main campus so they don’t contaminate the sanity of all the normal students. The campus itself is a ghost town and every now and then if you’re lucky you’ll be able to sight a fellow human being. That’s another case entirely that he/she will be too absorbed in their own equation filled world to notice you. The studies are somewhat the same but then again the night is still young and all the creepy crawlies have yet to emerge from their domains.

While what I have is something that many students would kill to have, I still can’t help but to think that if all of this was worth it. I left a comfortable life, with the promise of a white collar job and a lot of perks and people that I cared about just to work odd jobs and put myself through a grad school which may very well manage to get the best of me and leave me out to dry. But then again, I guess that’s human nature as the grass always seems greener on the other side, no matter how wonderful or shitty of a situation you’re really in.

I know most of these random ramblings make no sense and are very haphazardly jotted down but when one has a cluttered up mind, they just can’t seem to breathe a life into their thoughts and everything just seems way too jumbled up to make sense. In any case, this is just to give a vent to everything inside of me as of this moment and to finally be able to come to terms with new beginnings in life.

Some Jumbled Up Thoughts on People

Posted in Uncategorized on August 6, 2014 by Dev!l

Writer’s Note: It’s been so long that I have written anything worthwhile that I don’t even know where to begin. So just bear with the muddled up thoughts and muses of a jumbled up mind. As for my absence, well I would give an explanation by saying that I was away working on a story or something (though coming up with half a page finalizing the character details and squiggles doesn’t really count) but considering that no one really cares (also that I don’t have many readers) it doesn’t really matter, now does it?

Ever since I was a kid I was dubbed as a bit shy. Perhaps it was attributed to my inability to talk to strangers or the downright fact that I wasn’t very social to begin with. I still remember crying and screaming that I didn’t want to go, every single time that we had to attend a social gathering. Needless to say, it was a battle that I never really won. Though, I still couldn’t help but to try as this was my introvert nature. Of course, back then I didn’t really know the word “introvert” and even to myself I was a weird little kid with a lot of quirks and very little social skills.

Time passed and as I grew older, I got to know a lot of people who were like me. Some were less weird while others just raised the cuckoo bar to a whole another level (that’s another story that somehow I always managed to be the crazy one even to them). Since I was an “adult” now, I had to do a lot of social activities that I never really liked. These activities included attending certain functions which I rather have avoided or being in the charming company of some people who always made me imagine unique and fast ways to kill myself, while keeping a smile on my face and nodding my head.

It was then that I learnt that introverts made for a better company because unlike so many confidence exhumed extroverts, they didn’t really feel they had any right to instruct you on how to live your life. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good advice whenever I can get my hands on one but if you’re a person who’s meeting me for the very first time and you’re telling me what I should do with my life in the next 5 minutes, there is something innately wrong with that marvelous empty noggin of yours. I mean seriously, I never could (still don’t for that matter) understand that why people act like a major know it all. And to be quite honest, that’s saying a lot specially coming from a condescending jackass like me, who often acts like a know it all about various subjects with the people he’s close to. I know that I get on people’s nerves but I always manage to make it up by admitting when I’m wrong (well, most of the time at least). Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I’m a saint or something but honestly if people are going to act all saintly and go all Buddha on my life, shouldn’t they at least have the courtesy to know me for more than 5 minutes?

If these people weren’t enough, then there are the jackasses who think the fastest way to make someone comfortable is to joke around with them with their oh so sophisticated humor that can even make a 5 year old cringe up and cry for the existence of humanity. I know scientifically speaking, any point in this universe can be taken as its center but I honestly missed the class in which they taught us that we should always take that point to be centered around our existence. Sure, I rather be a bit more social so I don’t have to sit quietly and watch people make total fools (oh I’m sorry, I meant super amazing, awesome geniuses) of themselves and act all high and oh so mighty but every time I make a resolution to do so, people are kind enough to remind me what awaits me on the other side.

Sure, being an introvert sure has its shortcomings. Like for example, I rather spend my time alone than with most people that populate this lonesome planet of ours or things such as my inability to console people or to even take hints, flirt or even to say the right thing at the right time and what not. But I can surely live with all those shortcomings than to stand like a jackass and be the long awaited spawn of Buddha, Confucius and Kant combined. That being said, I don’t hate all extroverts as some of them are quite charming and articulate, and even though I might not always agree with them, I nonetheless respect them. Which is saying a lot considering that in today’s world you hardly run across people who would use the word respect and actually know what it means.

So what was the point of all this, random gibberish? Well, it was to share the point to not to be a jackass. Oh and if by some reason you’re a person who knows me intimately well, I would ask you to stop laughing by now because it’s not the pot calling the kettle black as I’m mostly a jackass is in a totally different scenario.

2013: A Review

Posted in Uncategorized on January 2, 2014 by Dev!l

To be fairly honest, I had no intent of writing anything albeit a few moments ago. The reason? Well, quite honestly, even I’m not aware of it. Perhaps it is to satisfy the feathery, halo carrying angel in me that I for one still am capable of feeling something or it may very well be a way to amuse myself by sitting back and observing how people react. In any case, this is somewhat of a tradition in which I look at my past year and try to get everyone updated just because you all are so very important to me that I really can’t fathom the thought of being left without a crowd in which I can be alone in.

Just like all previous years, this year started on a decent note. Everything seemed to be going my way as I was getting a track of my life and putting pieces of it together but then again, aren’t we all always doing that? Apart from the usual parties and hangouts, which I had so many of that I just can’t seem to care about most of them, things seemed fine. I managed to ace every test I gave and was on my merry way for further education abroad. At least, that is what I tell myself every time I remember it. Funny isn’t it? We try to falsify ourselves with hopes and delusions when we know that most dreams aren’t meant to be? In any case, just like all great movies, tragedy struck and my father’s brother was murdered in the allegedly “safe” city of Karachi. The reason? He belonged to a different province than the one he was in and he just couldn’t stand down and cower before the demands of a bully. Normally we call it racial discrimination but funnily enough, in my country we all are (almost) of the same color and the only thing that separates us are the lingual and territorial boundaries. We take it upon ourselves to impose those boundaries so fiercely that we hate anyone who is an outsider and then we have the nerve to call ourselves a “nation”.

In lieu of his death, I was made to decide on some rather important matters which made me nothing but a disappointment in the eyes of those that I held dear. It was then that I learnt that there is no such thing as freedom of will as our lives are never ours to begin with and how helpless we truly in are in fate’s grand design. Funnily enough blaming things on fate is something that is very human like, I guess I’m not so different after all but then again I learnt that when I was shown sympathy (or perhaps apathy) by those who did see me. I also learnt that no matter how things seem, what you want the most and no matter how likely it seems that you’ll get it, it just always is an inch away.

It was the time I thought that things couldn’t really get any worse but then they took another level of awesome when the man I looked up to all my life, whose morals I often emulated without thought suffered from a heart attack in a city miles from mine and his. While I should had been a nervous and emotional wreck, it was then I found out that I was inhumanely still reciting the voice of logic for some unknown reason. Ah but the icing on the cake wasn’t this but the fact that I was blamed to be a possible reason just right after I won the battle with myself that it wasn’t my fault. Guess that wasn’t a great time to be glad that even the strongest of castles can be penetrated.

As all things go, it goes without saying that I couldn’t really go abroad due to such events but I did manage to get into the top institutions in my own country. As a result, I did join one out of my own city only to find out that it was not something I could picture myself doing for the rest of my life. I tried my best to cope with the program but decided to jump ship as soon as the call from a more relevant field in another university came through.

Oh before you go and feel all sad for me, don’t as emotions should be wasted on people who give a damn, I for one don’t. Sure, there are times when I feel that things could have gone better or I could have had done better with my own life but even then I can just manage to ignore everything and take happiness in small things. Perhaps that is why my friends don’t stand next to me on the side of a busy road as I jump up and down singing songs. It’s rather funny, people don’t realize that the only cure from becoming insane is to be insane. The only way to function normally is to act abnormally. The only way one can live is to be able to look up at the world despite its cruelty and harshness, despite the vicissitudes of fate is to smile and smile big.

Considering everything, I still believe that the year could have had gone worse as one thing I have learnt is that no matter how dark things seem, there always is someone out there who has it worse than you. Sure, it may sound bookish to a lot of people but with an insane fraternity, some friends you can rely on and a hard shell you can just barely manage to pull it off. You can manage to look back at a total “shit-fest” (excuse me for not having a better word) of a year and still manage to smile as you manage to recall things like the fact that you graduated this year, or how much fun you had in an unknown city in those rare moments you did meet a friend, or how you actually managed to meet new people and be an intern at a place you loved, or how you came to value what you do have even more by being separated from it, or how someone you know could teach you that every taunt you ever faced for telling the truth even if it got you in trouble was all worth it by giving his life, or how uncertain and unpredictable life is yet we always manage to find something or someone for its random nature.

So why am I writing this emotional jibber jabber to begin with? Truth be told, I don’t know. I stand at a crossroad in my life and am faced with decisions that could potentially haunt me for the rest of my life. On top of that I am burdened with ill news that quite frankly, if true does scare me more than I will ever care to admit. Perhaps it is to give vent to all the hatred that has filled inside of me or perhaps it is to just look back at an awful year and smile as things could go worse still. No… It is to find a reason to smile by recalling all the fun memories even when they were few and far apart, it is to talk to myself and be able to hear back more loudly and boldly than I have ever spoken. In any case, it is definitely not for you (even though I could count each and every one who will manage to get through this article on my fingers) but for my own self. Oh wait I forgot, HAPPY NEW YEAR, if you do feel sympathetic don’t forget you can always donate to me =P I accept cash, cheques, gifts and even good free food =P So what are you waiting for, don’t be a jerk now 😛