My year in a Glance (2019)

If anything, 2019 was the year in which I became a lot more optimistic. Not because the year didn’t have any pitfalls but rather because I managed to reach a point in my life where I realized that giving a fuck just didn’t matter. Things will always go to shit and life will always give you an ample dose of sadness to complement any happiness you may get. So might as well stand tall and laugh rather than complaint about something that is out of your control. That being said, unfortunately, it took me quite some time to realize this and even now there are times when I struggle with the vicissitudes of fate.

The start of the year was one of the best I could remember in quite a long time. Mainly because I adjusted within my working group and spent the most quaint and wonderful birthday in Grenoble with them. While I didn’t really celebrate my birthday, as is the norm, it did coincide with me taking a long walk in the picturesque mountains of France with my supervisor. We discussed quite a lot of things, none of them being Physics, which made me realize that I would settle within this group just fine. This was further strengthened by making new friends within my institution during the various summer schools, retreats and conferences I attended. People who preferred to talk shit rather than discuss science all day long.

There were a lot of firsts which happened this year too. From going to my first Jazz concert courtesy of Gertrud, to moving into an apartment alone, to representing the group at a conference, to winning the prize for best scientific poster, to me co-authoring my first paper. I also was fortunate enough to supervise my first bachelor student, internship student, introduce my post-doc to Pakistani cuisine, and screw up to the point where I considered resigning from my job. It was the last incident which taught me to keep trudging onward, no matter what. To stare at my failures in the face and build myself up despite whatever shit is going on in my life.

I also was lucky enough to finally break out of my self-imposed fetters of despair which had clutched me hard last year. Not only did I attend many more social events this year, but I also managed to make new friends, who I went onto care about a lot in a short amount of time.

Speaking of caring for someone, I also managed to meet old friends and their significant others during the year. From visiting my friend and his wife in Berlin to attending the wedding of another in Pakistan, I was lucky enough to share small moments of joy with them. I also met a person who I always wanted to befriend in the past but never could. However, none of those moments could hold a candle to that I spent with another friend, just quietly sitting for hours.

I did break my foot near the end of the year and managed to miss visiting yet another trip to Mount Tibidabo in Barcelona but hey, at least I could stare at the landscape of the city once more with high hopes to return. I would like to say that this and my screw-ups were the only misfortunes I encountered this year, but that would be a white-faced lie for life was kind enough to introduce me to pains and stress I never thought were possible. For each possible joyous moment I experienced, I bore shitty moments 2 fold. However, I rather not talk about all that because my pain and misery is mine to bear, the world doesn’t need me to add to its sorrows. Also, no matter how much I complain, it could always be worse.

So as the year nearly draws to an end, I sit at my home in Pakistan, heading deeper in a dark tunnel, alone and scared. But that is fine because, at the end of the day, this is what life is. An abyss filled with small flickers of joy, so even though I fall hopelessly towards certain doom, I rather enjoy the few brief glimpses of happiness I experience while laughing at the monsters who seek to destroy the last shards of my self-composed identity.